


Like fire and ice

by lavendertune



Category: Final Fantasy XIV
Genre: Final Fantasy XIV: Shadowbringers Spoilers, M/M, Miqo'te Warrior of Light (Final Fantasy XIV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-07
Updated: 2020-04-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:47:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 37,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22158841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lavendertune/pseuds/lavendertune
Summary: It's like a drug, a poison spreading through your body and mind until it has you under it's control. You're unable to move, unable to speak. And yet you know it's wrong. It's so wrong, in every possible aspect. It feels so good even though it should repulse you. You want to run and yet you can't. Your legs wont move, they've stopped listening to you.It's horrifying but there's nothing you can do. His eyes have you chained up and you know, he will never let you go.
Relationships: Zenos yae Galvus/Warrior of Light
Comments: 12
Kudos: 54





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello hello and welcome to that idea I had in my head which then turned into a whole story.
> 
> As you can see from the tags there will (obviously) be a lot of violence and blood in this story.  
> Also good to know would be that it's set after shadowbringers, so a spoiler warning would be in order.
> 
> Also, I'm writing this from the view of my WoL so be prepared for some catboy action.
> 
> Last but not least: For those who are uncomfortable with rape/non con I will upload a seperate version without that since it's not the core of this story.

His punch hits me hard, hard enough to send me flying half across the battlefield. Damn it, one second later and I would have had my barrier ready. It’s such a pain to fight a sword wielder as a magician. You barely have a second to form your spells, let alone prepare a greater one. I can be happy that I’ve learned some form of hand to hand combat, enough to call myself a battle mage. Otherwise I would be helpless against him. Dodging, jumping, teleporting. And yet he’s faster than me. As I hit the ground I can taste the blood that’s coming from my broken lips and somewhere from inside my mouth. Right now is not the time to pay attention to that though. I raise myself to my feet hoping that, this time, I would be fast enough. But Zenos is already standing right in front of me, grinning like a mad man. He’s enjoying this, more than any man should. The next blow hits my stomach. I tumble over, the only thing keeping me on my feet being the very hand that made me spit blood on his arm’s armour.  
“Oh come on now, this can’t be all.”  
I grit my teeth and push through the pain, collecting every last bit of my strength to port myself to my recently cast leylines. It seems to be something that he didn’t expect, judging from his face as he turns around the very moment I let one of my most powerful spells explode in his face. The wave of energy makes him fly against a wall of stone behind him, shattering some parts of his armour. I’m not just out of breath but also at my limit. My limbs are trembling and I can swear I’ve broken a rip or two, judging by the pain. But seeing him struggling to climb back onto his feet shows me it wasn’t in vain. Frustrated he throws off most parts of his armour, the only parts remaining are his shoulder plates and shoes. He stares at me from there, equally confused and astonished.  
“I knew there was some fight left in you.” He mumbles, just loud enough for me to hear it. “Splendid.”  
I leap to the side as I realize he’s about to jump at me with his sword drawn. As quickly as possible I roll myself off and turn around, only to jump out of the way of another attack. He’s not giving me a second to breath, swinging his sword straight at my waist and neck and every time I just barely make it out of harms way. I can’t help but feel like he’s not aiming for actually hitting me. No, that’d be absurd. Why should he not? He came here to kill me and that’s what he will do. At least that’s what I thought. The next swing hits me but barely enough to draw blood. Luckily, for without my armour I’m as vulnerable as I could be. Stumbling back I keep my eyes fixed on Zenos, not wasting even a second to look down at my injury. I’ve suffered far worse, this is literally but a scratch compared to what I’ve gone through before.  
“You’ve grown stronger.”  
He’s keeping his distance, for now. The calm before the storm and I don’t trust it. I know that he’ll lunge at me any second so I brace myself. But instead of another swing of his gleaming steel he raises his foot and lands a kick straight at my chest, leaving me breathless and sending me down on my back. The impact of my body hitting the dirty ground makes me draw in air but I wish it hadn’t. It burns like acid that’s been poured down my throat, making me choke and cough which only worsens the pain.  
“But you’re still no match for me.”  
I don’t have time to react. The moment I open my eyes he’s already pushing his foot down on my chest. Letting out a low growl I eye him with only partially opened eyes, clinging my clawed hands on his foot. But it’s no use, he’s not moving an inch.  
For a few moments nothing is happening. Our eyes are fixed on each others, the wind around us picking up strong enough to blow our hair in our faces. I lay there, wondering what he’s thinking as I can see his expression shift. As strange as it sounds, the excitement seems to have been washed away with the wind. Now all that’s there is confusion and anger. Something inside of him is keeping him from taking the next step and I wonder what could keep a brutal killing machine from doing what it’s made to do.  
What follows happens too fast for me to comprehend. Suddenly he’s on his knees, his sword pushed into the ground next to us. He gives me one last angered look before he violently grabs my jaw and presses his lips against mine. Before I can process what’s happening he’s already pushing his tongue inside my mouth, forcing me to taste my own blood with it. I finally regain my mind and grab his shoulders, doing my best to push him off me. But it’s no use, he’s simply too strong for me. I may be able to call forth mighty spells of destruction but I’m no use when it comes to measuring your physical strength. Compared to Zenos I’m but a fragile leaf in the wind. Meaning what I’m doing right now is nothing but a waste of energy.  
I draw in a couple of painful breaths as our lips finally depart but there’s no time to recollect. Zenos trails down my neck with his teeth, leaving a bite mark here and there that makes me yelp out in pain. I don’t understand what’s happening and why, but it’s scaring me. More than facing him on the battlefield. Gods, he could be holding his blade directly against the skin of my neck and I still wouldn’t be trembling as much as I am right now.  
“Stop it!” I finally manage to get out as I bury one of my hands in his hair, trying to pull him away with all of my strength. But all it does is directing his attention towards my struggling.  
And instead of answering me he drowns my cries in another kiss as he traces the outline of my body with his free hand. There’s no room left for me to struggle since he’s got my hips locked between his knees, making me unable to move. So I have nothing left to do but endure, all other options have expired about three minutes ago. I feel his tongue twirling around mine, his kiss is rough but filled with a strange kind of passion I can’t quite understand. Not quite knowing what to do I answer his kisses, only as much as I need. Maybe if I go along with it it’ll be easier? Or maybe he’ll grow too confident, enough to give me an opening? Even one could be enough but I don’t think I’ll get this chance. His hand has stopped at my hip, stroking my naked skin just above my waistband. I feel my body reacting underneath his fingertips brushing over my belly and I can’t do anything against it. Single handedly he opens my pants and pushes them down, just enough to fit his armour-less hand in. My whole body jerks, adrenaline giving me enough strength to push him away just enough to break the kiss. I want to scream and fight, do something, but every movement, every breath hurts like seven hells.  
“Would you look at that. Seems like you’re enjoying our little fights as much as I do.”  
I let out an unexpected whine as his hand wraps around me and push a hand over my mouth, hoping it will be enough to silence these embarrassing sounds.  
“No no, this wont work.”  
Without the slightest trace of effort he removes my hand from my mouth and pins it down next to my head, right as he tightens his own just a little more and begins to move it slowly. With my other hand helplessly clawed into the dirt beneath us a weak and shivering moan creeps it’s way up my throat together with another wave of pain going through my body, drawing some tears out which run down the sides of my face. I yelp and cry beneath the moans but Zenos seems to ignore them. Hells, he seems to enjoy them. ‘cause with every of my cries he squeezes harder and moves faster, just for a second to draw out an even louder cry. And without a warning he lets go of my hand, just as suddenly as I feel my pants sliding doff my legs. Within seconds I’m almost naked, bear before him. Every bit of blood left rushes to my cheeks as our eyes meet, his full with excitement and mine filled with angst. But again, there’s no way I could fight him off. First it’s only one, then two and before I can lose count he adds a third. I feel myself burning up, a strange sensation around which I can’t quite wrap my head. With my head pushed back I’ve all but given in, moaning beneath him, doing my best to endure the terrible mixture of pain and lust. Zenos trails both sides of my neck with bites and kisses, both sweet and terrible at the same time. I’m giving up. Everything inside my head turns and shifts, my vision is but a hazy fog. And with that thought my body starts to relax. Little by little the pain gives way to pleasure and I almost start to enjoy it. And yet before I am able to reach this level I’m suddenly violently turned around. Out of reflex I push my upper body up just as a pair of big hands grab my waist, pulling it up so that my arms give in and my face hits the ground. Without a warning he pushes inside of me, drawing out a loud scream. I’m doing my best to keep breathing but my gods, he’s big. And he’s not even in all the way. I can feel it, spreading me apart as he pushes it in bit by bit with every movement. My moans grow louder and honest, filled with almost pure passion. Hearing this Zenos grabs my tail and thrusts deep inside of me, the same moment he closes his hand around me again. I scream again, lout enough that it should’ve been heard miles away.  
“My precious beast.”  
His voice but partially comes through the haze of sensations in my head. I don’t intend to answer, I wouldn’t even have the time to do so between his violent thrusts. I dig my claws into the ground, moaning and crying with every move of his. Damn it, it feels so good. Why does it feel so good? It shouldn’t feel this way. I should be fighting and struggling but as much as I want to escape, my body isn’t listening to me anymore. Just a moment after I finish this thought the sensation is gone all of a sudden. Another moment later and I’m laying on my back, opening my eyes, hoping, but all I can see through my tear clouded vision are his blue eyes directly above me. I close them again as he drowns my moans in a deep kiss and thrust back inside, all of that without forgetting working on me. Not knowing where to put them I wrap my hands around his neck, clinging onto him as if my life depends on it. If I wouldn’t know better I’d say it does.  
Just as I feel myself getting close Zenos parts his lips from mine and lets his head drop on my shoulder, picking up the pace one last time. I come shortly before him, feeling him swell up inside of me just before he stops moving, letting out a low and intense moan.  
We lay there for at least a full minute before he raises his head to look at me. I don’t have enough strength left to say anything, let alone move my hand. Even worse, with the adrenaline slowly washing away the pain returns, stronger than before. So I keep my eyes closed and try my best to breathe and not die on the spot from suffocation. The last thing I feel before my mind wanders off is a hand brushing through my ruined hair. After then it’s only darkness.

It’s been a month since it happened. I awoke in a small room in a village nearby with Zenos nowhere to be found. The villagers told me that a “handsome stranger” came with me in his arms. “Cradled like a maiden he had you!”. He made sure that the healers took care of me and then vanished without a trace. They didn’t know what happened to me, only that I had been wounded in battle. I’ve recovered, at least that’s what I tell myself The others do otherwise. They tell me they know something’s up. That something happened. That they know me long and well enough to know. I guess they’re right. I try to hide it as best as I can and act as naturally as possible – But people who’ve been with you through thick and thin and all of your hardships know you better than yourself. Still I tell them it’s nothing. Gods, I keep telling myself it’s nothing. And I know that that’s a lie. A blatant and ugly lie. It’s still occupying my mind every second. Every time I close my eyes I see that golden hair falling into his face. His blue eyes, fixed on mine. By the heavens, I can feel him still. I can remember it and it’s tearing me apart. Why can’t I erase that day from my memory? Why is it stuck, why wont it let me go? I wish I knew. I really do. I want to get over it, move on. Gods, I wish it never happened. I wish I never heard those pleading cries that day. I know that he wanted me to hear them. He told me so himself. He instigated this slaughter himself, just to draw me out. I wonder if what happened afterwards was planned as well.  
I try to yank my thoughts away from him and concentrate back on the here and now. I don’t know for how long I’ve been staring at my still filled plate but by Alisaie’s expression it seems to have been quite a while.  
“Are you alright, my friend?”  
I blink to focus on her and force out a tired smile. I say that because I know it’s nowhere near honest. And I know that she knows. But instead of pressing me she answers it with a sweet and soft one, one that knows that the sight of her is enough to calm my swirling thoughts. The others are occupied with a conversation. From what I can hear it’s about the developments in Ala Ghiri. I take another look down at my plate. I’m the only one who hasn’t touched theirs yet and, with a closer look, the last one to finish their meal. Realizing this I don’t think that, this evening, I will get down even one bite.  
Silently I stand up and leave the company of my friends. I know that it doesn’t go unnoticed and that they’re probably worried sick but I just don’t have the energy to tell them that everything’s okay. Even if, it would be another blatant lie. A simple look at my untouched plate tells you everything you need to know. It hurts, so much. By now every single one of them has tried to talk to me. And every time I lied, reassured them that I’m just tired and worn out. One lie after another I have told them. So many that it’s starting to eat me up. No wonder I’m not hungry.  
I don’t go back to my room but instead take to the field, out the village’s walls and down the dusty road. I know already where my mind is taking me so it’s no surprise when I stop at the edge of this plane, gazing out at the Crystal Tower, gleaming in the light of the setting sun. I end up here every single evening since we’re returned. Every evening I sit here, thinking of Norvrandt. It’s not that I worry about them. I know that now with the Lightwarden’s and Emet Selch’s demise they have nothing to fear. They have a chance to build their world anew in peace and harmony. And maybe that’s what I’m missing. The fields of purple beneath the twinkling stars, the million flowers of Il Mheg, the tall trees of the Greatwood. G’raha Tia. I miss them. I can’t help it, I truly can’t. Adbert’s home is filled beauty beyond my understanding. Hells, I even miss the fairies. I’m so tired of this conflict. I’m... I’m tired of fighting.  
I quickly shake my head. No, I can’t let these thoughts linger. Not in my condition, not with a fight still left to fight. I have to push through, even if it takes my everything. In the end I’m the hero they’re looking to. For comfort, for strength, for hope. But what good is a hero if he’s lacking all of these?  
“May I sit with you?”  
Bracing something that feels like a heart attack I jerk around, ready to grab my staff and call forth my barrier. But it’s just Alisaie. I should’ve known. For some reason it’s always her.  
“Sure.”  
I try to relax and lean back on my arms, eyes back fixed on the Crystal Tower.  
“I wonder how they’re doing.”  
I turn to her as she starts speaking, doing my best to concentrate on her words.  
“G’raha Tia and the others I mean. You miss them, don’t you?”  
I quickly turn my head and swallow something sour that’s rising in my throat. Thankfully my bangs cover the side of my face which she’s able to see.  
“I do too. To be honest, if I could’ve chosen to go or stay... I couldn’t say I would’ve gone back.”  
Hearing her words my aching chest softens and allows me to draw in some air. It’s relief that is spreading through my body, something I haven’t felt since I’ve returned.  
“I couldn’t say either.”  
For a short moment I meet her eyes. Time and time again I’m struck by how compassionate Alisaie is. If there’s one person I know who carries their heart open in their hands, it’s her. Ever since before we departed for Doma we’ve been closer than any other. If I needed to pour out my heart she’s been there. Listening, understanding, caring. Even when she wasn’t at her best, she’s been always there for me. Why can’t I be honest, not even to her?  
“I’m worried, Malo.”  
Her words hit me like a dagger. I know, I fucking know.  
“Please, talk to me.”  
I lower my head in both, shame and pain, hoping to hide the tears that are swelling up within my eyes.  
“You don’t need to be. I’m fine.”  
“You’re not talking, you’re isolating yourself and you haven’t touched something edible in weeks. Please, if you’re not talking we’ll bring you to the healers.”  
I bury my face in my hands, taking in a deep breath before I turn to meet her gaze once again. Every trace of a smile has left, instead it got replaced by honest fear. Damn it all, I can’t hurt her like that.  
“I wish I could tell you, I really wish.” I begin, nearly losing my voice mid-sentence. “And I don’t know why I can’t. Is it shame? Is it angst? Or something else? I can’t tell and it’s tearing me apart.”  
Seeing my teary eyes she quickly moves closer and lays a hand on my shoulder, staying there as close as she possibly can.  
“There’s nothing in this world you should be ashamed of. Especially not in front of your family.”  
I swallow down another tearful thought and collect myself. She may be right but would she still say that if she knew what happened? Probably, but the fear inside me is too strong to tell her.  
“I’m sorry Alisaie. I guess I’m not ready to tell you yet.”  
She lets out a sigh and drops her head a bit. I knew she expected me to open up finally but for now that’s all she’ll be able to get out of me.  
“Okay but can you promise me something?”  
I look down to her, a little question mark on my face.  
“Will you eat something with me tomorrow?”  
I don’t know what I expected, but it wasn’t this.  
“Yes.” I answer with my first honest smile in ages. “I guess I can do that.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So I decided to give you the second chapter along with the first to give you a little more insight. It may take a bit for the third to come out because I'm still working on a part in between but yeah, enjoy~

Finally seeing me eat again worked like a miracle. Even Alisae started to calm down a bit and worry less. In fact, she’s the only one who still regularly checks up on me. Probably because she’s the only one of the whole group who actually saw me break down and not just me getting better. But it didn’t take long until the next pleading cry rang in our ears. The few support lines we have been able to establish across the border got word of multiple villages being attacked and burned down by Garlean troops for supposed treason. I was the first one to arrive there of course. I just crossed the border of the Empire, barely a few hundred meters in when I already spot the smoke rising to the sky in the distance. It’s coming from a village to the west, a small one we haven’t been before. Even though I’m still far away the smoke is dark and thick enough to swallow the light of the day above me.  
“Let’s go.”  
I nod to Y’shtola, the others standing behind us. Without wasting any more time we start running, Alphinaud as always being the first one of us to arrive. He may be small but his legs are even faster than mine. I guess that’s what he’s lacking as soon as someone puts him in water. As we arrive the village is almost in ruins. A handful of villagers run towards us, pleading for help. Alphinaud and Urianger immediately tend to the wounded while Alisaie, Thancred and I press further in. The heavy smoke of burning wood makes it hard for us to breathe and even harder to see so we decide to split up. I scout the western side of the burning houses, calling out for anyone that could be stuck beneath rubble or surrounded by fire. But, luckily, I find no one. Seems, at least these villagers, were quick enough to escape the flames or lucky enough to die quickly. Still I scout everything on my way back, making sure I haven’t forgotten even the tiniest corner. Something I shouldn’t have done. Because as I turn a corner to check the back of a house I stop in my tracks, freezing at the sight of the man in front of me.  
“Zenos?”  
It’s but a whisper, trembling and weak, but he hears it. Of course he does, how else could it be. There’s no possible outcome in which I’m the lucky one, that’s what I learned painfully in these last years.  
“Ah, you’ve come.”  
A wave of ice goes through me as he locks his eyes on me and a grin slowly spreads across his face. I want to run. I want to turn on my heels and call forth my mount, get as far away as possible. But my legs wont move. Everything in my head is screaming at me to run but no muscle is responding. This single glance has me frozen in place, unable to even reach for my weapon. I should have known.  
“You took your time. Be quicker next time. Maybe then you can safe a few more of their lifes.”  
I follow the track of his eyes to a few bodies on the ground. None of them is breathing, a puddle of blood has already formed beneath them. It doesn’t really shock me, not anymore. Not after everything I’ve seen. It’s disgusting still, but no sight unseen.  
“No reaction? A shame.”  
I turn my attention back to Zenos who’s turned towards me by now and is regarding me with an almost gloomy expression. Letting out a deep sigh he brushes some strands of hair out of his face behind his ear and throws away something that looks like a stick. I didn’t even notice him holding it  
“They didn’t even put up a fight. You can’t imagine how endlessly bored I was.” He then begins, keeping his cold eyes locked on me. “But now you’re here.”  
The moment he takes a step closer to me I instinctively reach for my staff and hold it out, the tip of the crystal pointing directly at him.  
“Don’t come any closer or I’ll blast you into oblivion.”  
To my surprise Zenos actually stops. The flames around us are closing in around us, in a few minutes they’ll have us cut off from the rest of the village, completely surrounded. And yet he isn’t even batting an eye. It seems like he doesn’t care about the fact that soon we’ll be engulfed in flames. And honestly, that’s the part that’s scaring me. Not the fact that I’m close to be burned alive or murdered, no. It’s how carelessly he carries himself through this situation.  
“I don’t think you will.”  
With that statement he takes a step forward, giving me an excuse to instantly cast an explosion right in front of his nose. The impact draws in the flames from the houses around us, burning the little bit of air left. I begin to cough and cover my mouth with my scarf, the purple one I’m always wearing with my armour. I knew I would be needing it sooner or later. It’s not filtering out much but enough for me to breathe. I can’t say the same about Zenos. He’s laying on the ground, coughing and struggling back on his feet. But there’s no anger in his eyes. Only pure delight.  
“Yes, that’s it. Come on, let us dance.”  
His voice is deeper, more dangerous than usual. My clue to dart into the direction of the last gap between the flames, the one my explosion kept open by drawing the flames to the centre. The streets are filled with smoke, making it impossible for me to see where I’m going. But anywhere is just as fine. So I take to my right and run down the street, amidst the crumbling and collapsing houses of this village’s former residents. My lungs are burning and my legs are starting to get numb but I’m still running, even after I escaped the fire and reached the woods behind it I’m still running. I know he’s behind me, I don’t have to turn around and look. He’s following my every step, getting closer by the second. How is it possible that he’s able to run so fast and such a distance in that armour. I’d be more than sweating bullets by now, probably already laying on the floor and pretending to be dead. This is no good. I can’t outrun him. There’s no other way than to fight him. So I stop, suddenly enough to surprise my chaser. I send out a quick aetheric attack, barely enough to startle him but that’s all I wanted. He too stops, breathing heavily and staring at me, probably expecting me to let another explosion blow up in his face. But I’m doing nothing, just standing there, staring back at him like a frightened deer. For what feels like eons none of us moves a muscle. I’m shaking like a leaf, something I never have before. Not when I was facing my first primal, or Nabriales. Not when feeling Nidhogg’s fury or facing Shinryu. Even after realizing I had crossed the line and were close to becoming a sin eater I’ve been more composed than I am now. I don’t even fully know what it is that is frightening me so. I can’t bare the thought that I could - No. I can’t let these thoughts get to me.  
“Tired of running?”  
I swallow hard as I feel my heart stop beating for a second. I’d love to answer him, throw back a sarcastic comment or a confident remark. But everything I can think of is what happened last time we faced each other.  
Apparently it’s clearly written all across my face. The next thing I know, Zenos is grinning like a mad man, slowly coming towards me, hands held up in front of his chest.  
“You look tired my friend. Is something keeping you up at night?”  
“As if you would have to ask that.”  
The moment he gets too close for my liking I snap back into defence mode and point my staff at him. He stops, but only for a second.  
“I do. As mighty as I am, the ability to look inside your head is one I still don’t possess.”  
Liar. He knows, better than I do myself.  
Slowly I’m moving backwards, but not being able to see where I’m going proves unconventional in the woods. Vines and stones keep making me trip and almost tumble over, a thing which seems to amuse Zenos. This is getting too much for me.  
“By the gods, stop!” I yell the moment I conjure forth and icy wind, freezing his feet to the ground.  
My chest rising and falling rapidly I quickly get some distance between me and him, barely fast enough before he breaks the ice with his sword.  
“Then make me stop. Come on, I know you can.” Zenos begins, his eyes filled with a hunger that sends a shiver down my spine. “When did you stop fighting it?”  
“I never did.”  
We stare at each other for a moment. He knows I’m lying and I know he’s right. And still, there’s no way I could admit it. I can’t, for the life of mine. What would happen if I do? What would happen if I do stop fighting, when I give in and admit defeat? I can’t let this happen. No, I wont back down. So I take on my stance, raise my staff and concentrate my aether in it. The moment Zenos realizes it it’s already too late. A salve of fire rains down on him he’s but barely able to avoid, jumping between the trees to avoid getting blasted into pieces. Before I know it most of the trees surrounding us are falling over, blown to shreds like his head would if he wouldn’t have been able to get to safety. With a heavy breath I stand my ground, firing another arcane explosion at him the moment I notice even the slightest movement.  
I know he’s enjoying it. It’s what he lives for. Hunting. This is nothing but a sport for him, a game. He doesn’t care about casualties or destruction. This is what I have to keep in mind.  
Another noise, faint but nothing my sharp ears can’t track down. I turn around and see Zenos rush around a tree, coming straight towards me, sword pointed at my stomach. With no mana left I do my best to jump out of harms way, but barely avoiding the sharp edge of his katana. His feet dig into the ground in front of me, giving him enough balance to raise his sword and draw it down above my head. With nothing else to help me I parry his blow with my staff, almost getting thrown down by the sheer might of his blow.  
“That’s it, yes!” he laughs while I’m doing my best to counter his immense strength, my arms shivering under the pressure.  
I can’t keep this up for much longer. He’s not only far taller but worlds stronger than me, at least on a physical level. Second after second the edge of his sword is drawing nearer until it’s almost touching my hair. That’s the moment he suddenly draws back and let’s my nose meet his elbow. The force of this blow sends me flying to the ground, blood running down and all over my lips.  
“I won, again.”  
I’ve barely recovered my composure or my sight before he’s already standing over me, reaching for my hair to pull me up. Leaning down he stares directly into my eyes, watching me wincing in pain, but not fighting. I know it would be no use. The more I’d struggle the more it’d hurt. And right now I couldn’t take any more pain.  
My eyes are closed as I’m waiting for something to happen. It takes some time until he moves, which isn’t what throws me off. It’s what he does. His tongue, running over my lips, licking off the blood that is still flowing down from my nose. I open my eyes as he draws away to catch a glimpse of him but nothing much has changed. There’s still that endless hunger in his eyes and the pressure on his eyebrows. Still, there’s just the tiniest bit of red over his cheekbones, a tiny detail that suddenly makes him look so much more human.  
Exploiting the moment of confusion Zenos draws me close, pressing me against the cold metal of his armour, fingers still clenched into my hair. His lips are warm, his long hair tickling my hair as he drowns out every last bit of air from my lungs with dozens of heated kisses. I can feel his heartbeat resonate through his armour, vibrating beneath my hands which I have pressed against his chest. With time his grip loosens and his fingers begin to run up and down my head, to my ears and down again, sending strange shivers down my spine. I want to escape, push him away and run as fast as I can but my body wont move. I can’t even lift a single finger. Instead I can feel my body heating up, every bit of blood rushing into my cheeks and every bit of strength vanishing into nothingness. Obviously, Zenos notices my legs giving in. His response is breaking the kiss and pulling me up, knowing I’d cling onto him out of shock. I see him grinning from the corner of my eyes through the fog that is still covering my sight, a grin that makes me swallow hard. I hate it, I hate this, why is this happening? It’s repeating itself, it’s happening again. And again I can’t stop him. Something inside of me doesn’t even want him to stop. What the fuck is wrong with me?  
I bite down on my lips, holding my breath as I feel tears rushing up, just a second before I get pressed against the bark of a tree. Zenos’s tongue runs over one of my ears which is already enough the draw out a gasp. Gods, my heart is going to jump out of my throat at any second. My body is screaming for him and I can’t begin to understand why. I shouldn’t want this and yet I’m already hard. Shivering I cling onto him, forehead pressed against his cool armour as he’s trailing his lips over the bit of skin that’s been revealed after he’s taken off my scarf. A scream goes through the woods as his teeth bury inside my skin, almost enough to draw blood. Tears begin to run down my cheek, dripping down his metal chest piece, softening the dried blood around my mouth. He doesn’t notice since I’m doing my best to hide it by holding my breath or hiding the sobs under the moans he draws out by running his tongue over my neck and grabbing my ass.  
“I want all of you.” He whispers into my ear, shortly before loosening the grip of my legs around his waist and lowering me down to the ground. Without strength in my legs I end up down on my knees before him, watching him as he carefully takes off his arm and chest pieces. Beneath he’s wearing only a cotton long sleeve with a turtle neck, tight enough to tone up the muscles beneath it. I could try to stand up and run or try to search for a spell to help me get away but something in his eyes keeps me there, my eyes locked on his. It’s like he’s chaining me up, with a single look and without a word. I think I’ve given up.  
I expected him to force me up again or kick me into the ground. But instead he kneels down in front of me, eyes still locked, and carefully begins to take off the few armour pieces on my arms and shoulders, followed by my leather jacket. Unlike him I’m wearing nothing beneath, leaving me kneeling half naked. Zenos trails his fingers across my bare chest which results in goose bumps all over my body. Tears are still visible in my eyes and on my skin but my nose has stopped bleeding. Luckily.  
For a few seconds we just look at each other, no words, no movements. I can see his eyes shift between my eyes and mouth, further down and back up to my eyes again. He’s fighting with himself like I am. Something we have in common.  
Without needing to use force he pushes me back until I’m leaning against the tree and leans over me, spreading soft kisses from my neck to my belly. I close my eyes, laying an arm over them while Zenos gets rid off my shoes and pants, including my boxers. Embarrassment rises in my chest, leaving me laying in front of him, brightly blushed and shivering as he runs a finger from the base to the tip of my dick, a surprised yelp escaping me the moment I feel his touch. I quickly place my other hand between my teeth, hoping it will help me to keep the sounds in but it’s no use. The moment he swallows my full length everything inside of me lets lose, flares up and escapes through my mouth. Every bit of tension evaporates into nothingness and leaves me laying there, shivering and moaning like a mess, not caring about anything around me. A finger slips inside of me, sending another shock of ecstasy through my body. Everything turns and shifts, which is why I keep my eyes closed, fearing that if I’d open them I’d see the world spinning around me. At first it’s pain, or the memory of it. The memory of what happened on that battlefield, the humiliation, the desperation. But this...it’s different. It’s a pleasure I’ve never felt before, a heat that runs through my limbs and robs me of every bit of my energy. The moment he adds more fingers and begins to spread them apart my mind is thrown somewhere else, a place far away from here where nothing else exists but him and this feeling. By now I have my hands clenched into his hair, desperately clinging onto him, fearing he could stand up and leave me here like this. But that’s probably far from what’s going to happen.  
“Are you ready?”  
Finally I open my eyes. Still high from the feeling Zenos has to untangle my fingers from his long golden hair. It's a strange sight to see him like this, so careful and considerate. It's even more frightening than facing his full might in battle. It's rattling me to the bones and makes me lose my mind. Tears run down my cheeks but I nod. My mind doesn't know how to take this in- The fear, the pleasure, the disgust, the excitement. Everything at once is more than too much for me and it's breaking me.  
Closing his eyes Zenos places soft kisses on my fingers before then laying them around his neck. Having him so close again speeds up my heart rate, heating me up to a point where I feel like I'm being cooked from the inside. It's a feeling that makes me want to scream and struggle out of this situation and yet it's keeping me locked, unable to move. He doesn't look down when he lifts my legs and gets himself in position. Instead he's right in front of my face, pushing his lips against mine the moment he pushes inside me. Pleasure fills me up from head to toes, a wave of heat that catapults my mind away from anything that happened before this moment. I moan against his lips, quickly turning the soft touch into a deep and demanding kiss. Low groans come from Zenos as I rub my rough tongue against his and bite on his lips, the first gestures I give back to him since all of this started. Slowly he begins to move, every thrust pushing me over the edge more and more. With the fire still raging in the distance we drown each other in kisses and moans, me clinging onto him like my life depends on it as Zenos's thrusts turn more and more violent. Having his full length inside of my ass prevents both of us from concentrating on anything else than breathing and moaning. His head is laying on my shoulder, his long hair tingling on my chest with every move. I have my head pressed back against the tree, nails digging deep into his skin, slipping away every time he pushes deep inside of me, dark red marks forming wherever they've been.  
“Ma'lo...”  
It's the first time I've actually heard him calling my name. I didn't expect him to even remember it. But there it was, hoarse and shivering, the kind of voice he's probably never let anybody hear before.  
“Zenos...”  
Hearing his name he stops for a moment, raises his head and looks at me, searching for my eyes the moment I lower my head to return the look. I've never seen them like this before. It's nothing compared to what you see during battle. It's deeper, glistening like the moonlight on the water of a lake. His face is flushed brightly, his hair messy- gods, he looks like any regular person and it's throwing me off my faith. Realizing this I grab his hair and pull myself up, drowning him in the deepest and most heated kiss I've ever given. His hand searches for my dick and closes around it, pumping up and down as he starts thrusting inside of me again. Up until now I've fully given myself up to both, him and the pleasure. Careless I cry and scream out, throwing my head back and pushing my hip against him, his big hands having my legs locked into a position which enables him to push his dick in to the base. It takes only a few more thrusts before I cum, at least that's what I think what happens since it feels more like a heart attack. Zenos comes but a moment later. I can feel his cum filling me up inside, almost enough to make it drip out during the last thrusts. He doesn't pull it out yet though. His head is laying heavily on my shoulder as he's doing his best to keep himself up. I can see his arms shiver from the tension of keeping the weight of his body up, even with my tail wrapped around one of them, so I decide to pull him on me. A little too sudden for my lung's liking but I couldn't care less. Burying my nose in his hair I hold him and he holds me, nose tugged into the nape of my neck, his breath tickling on my skin. After a few minutes of laying there like this he finally pulls out, cum slowly slipping out with it and running down my ass. I would say it feels disgusting but that would be equal to saying I didn't like it. A few more minutes pass before he moves. Slow and heavy he lifts his head and searches for my eyes which are only halfway opened, too heavy to stay open all the way. A soft brush of his thumb over my cheeks makes them fall shut. I lean into his touch with a deep sigh, finally able to relax. But we can't stay like this. Not now, not here. Zenos seems to have realized this too since he draws away and pushes himself up, still not letting me out of his sight for even a second. Neither of us know anything to say or do. It's still so awkward, so wrong. Both of us know it. And yet he leans down for another kiss, still sitting between my legs, soft and almost loving. I sigh into the sweet touch of his lips and let my hands trail up his chest to the back of his neck. Breaking the kiss he leans his forehead against mine, staying like this, simply breathing.  
“We need to go.”  
It's me who breaks the silence. We can't stay here like this forever. Maybe he could, but I definitely can't. The others are probably already freaking out, searching for me, fearing I could've been drowned by the flames.  
“You're right.”  
Gazing into my eyes he hovers just a few inches away from me for what feels like an eternity before he finally sits back.  
“I can't let you go like this.”  
His eyes trail down to my cum smeared ass. Only now I see two big deep blue marks where Zenos grabbed my legs and slowly the pain from his bites, marks and thrusts begins to kick in. I pray I will be able to walk. Without a warning Zenos reaches for one of the pieces of cloth that is usually hanging from his waist and runs it over one of my butt-cheeks, cleaning up the cum that has already begun to get sticky. I blush up again and hide my face behind my hands. I hear Zenos chuckle a little shortly after while he cleans the other side too, making sure he reached and cleaned every spot. I can't bear to look at him so I wait until he's done and do my best not to die from embarrassment.  
“Better.” Zenos mumbles and caresses my ass with his hand before he finally stands up.  
I send a thank you out to every god who's willing to hear it because I've already felt myself get excited again. As I open my eyes Zenos is already starting to get dressed again so I push myself into an upright position, looking around for my clothes. They are scattered everywhere, just like his. Luckily my underpants are the piece closest to me so I can start dressing myself properly. I feel Zenos's eyes on me the whole time which does anything but help my heart with calming down. Before I can put on my jacket he grasps the opportunity to throw my mind off one last time by suddenly standing behind me, placing teasing kisses over every one of the dark red marks on my neck. Several shivers run through my body, almost making me drop down again, but the cold touch of his armour keeps me in the here and now. Still I have to recollect myself before I can turn around and face him. A horribly bad idea, honestly. He's standing directly in front of me, looking down at me with his cold blue eyes, scanning every last part of my body with a hunger that scares me to the bone.  
“'Until next time. I'm looking forward to it.”  
And with that he turns around, disappearing in the trees. I'm still standing there for at least five minutes, staring into the direction to which he left, my jacket tightly in my hands. Everything hurts and my body is still shivering and yet... Yet I feel so good.  
This is breaking me.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So since I was unable to split the story into equally long parts this chapter will be a little shorter than usual :'D  
> BUT it's a wholesome break all of us need.

I was right. The whole group was running through the area like foxes on a hunt, scanning every last corner, even the still burning city. The moment I approach them Alisae jumps around my neck, not letting me go for at least half an eternity.  
“There you are! Good gods, we've been so worried! What happened, where were you?”  
Before I can think of an answer the little Elezen spots one of the bruises on my neck which is just barely visible above my scarf. She stares at it for a good minute before her eyes lock onto mine to which I respond with quickly pulling my scarf further up and staring off into the distance.  
“I’m fine, I-“ I stop, carefully thinking of what I could possibly say to calm them, and especially her, down. “Zenos was lying in wait for me in the flames and chased me away from you. I barely managed to get out of this alive.”  
Which is true. There have been multiple moments in which he could have easily killed me.  
“So it was him. Again.” Alphinaud mutters, deep in thought, lowering his eyebrows as he looks back at the smoke rising from the burning houses.  
“Then we should put as much distance between us and this place as possible.”  
I nod at Y’shtola, hoping nobody else has seen or suspects anything but Alisaie. I know I’ll have to find some explanation for her. And I can’t hide my neck for the next whole week. I fear she knows but that’s not what scares me. And neither does the fear of her judgement. It’s the thought of talking to her about it that makes me panic. I know she wont say a thing until we’re somewhere private but the look on her face tells me everything I need to know.  
She’s not only worried, she looks terrified. I can’t stand it when she looks at me like this. It breaks my heart, or at least the little bit that’s still left of it.  
To my luck we don’t bother getting back to Mor Dhona this day. It’s too far and we are too tired, especially me. It was hard enough for me to walk all the way back to Ala Mhigo. Which is also why I’m even happier to arrive at the city just a few hours later. Sadly, but better for me, we don’t stick around Lyse for long. Seeing how horrible I look our old friend immediately offered me a spare room to rest in, an opportunity I took immediately. There would be no way to keep me up now, or around people for that matter. Which is why I disappear into that room fast enough to avoid Alisae. I know that she's worried again. I know that fully fell and I know that me shutting myself off again isn't making it any better. But I don't have the energy left to face her. Nor do I have the courage to come forth. This whole situation is still too much for me. I don't understand a thing that's happening and I don't understand why I'm feeling the way I do. I should feel disgusted. Used. A piece of trash. But I don't. That's the point. For some reason, I can't wrap my head around it, I feel good. Whole. And yet so empty. There's a vortex of feelings inside of me and it's spinning too fast for me to see through. It's too much, too fast, changing too quickly. It's breaking my mind. So I lay there, staring at the cold stone ceiling in this old empty room in the middle of this ancient palace, pondering. If I could I would scream all of it out. From the top of my lungs I would tell the world. I would cry out every thought that's torturing me, every feeling that's tormenting my heart. But my body's frozen. Even if I could stand up nothing would leave my throat. How could it when no clear thought has been able to form in my head for the past few hours. No, the past few weeks. Since that day I haven't been able to think straight. It's with me every second I'm awake and even in my dreams. Like he said, I haven't been able to sleep. Every time I close my eyes I see him. I feel him. Smell him. The pictures from then come up in front of my closed eyes like a slide show. His hair, his eyes, his lips. And now the ones from today added themselves. I know that, the moment I close my eyes, I see him again. How he looked at me earlier, how he held me, caressed my skin. I will hear him, his low and trembling voice with which he called my name. I don't know why my heart is doing what it does. We're enemies. He's a serial killer, a monster, feared by even his own people. He's reckless, careless, dangerous. Death should be his only fate. And yet, if I had the chance, I don't know if I could do it. Thinking about that brings me back to the royal menagerie. To when Zenos took his own life right in front of my eyes. I can still remember it so clearly, like it's happened just yesterday. The pain in his eyes, the despair. His words are still resonating in my ears. Back then I couldn't move. Seeing him holding that blade to his throat declutched my brain from my limbs. I could have stopped him back then. But I didn't. Maybe I could have even helped him. Maybe I could have- Maybe. In the end I'll never know. And I can't believe that, after all this time, I'm still drowning in regret. Even then I couldn't feel the same like the others. They were happy, relieved that he was gone. But I knew better. I knew that that wasn't what he deserved. What he wanted. I knew that there had to be a way to get to him. But that way vanished, died right in front my eyes. And now he's back. Back to haunt me and torture me. Back to remind me of what could have been. If the others wouldn't have been there I would have thought that it's just my mind playing tricks on me. I hoped, prayed that it was just a bad dream. But then there he was. Standing in front of me amidst the ruins of that village. Back to show me how weak I am. How weak I am for him.  
“Ma'lo?”  
A knock follows the tiny voice coming through the heavy wooden door. I knew she would come and yet I hoped I would have fallen asleep 'til then.  
“I know you're awake. Please open up.”  
Hearing her voice almost break at the end of her plead I finally get myself to stand up. It takes me a few more moments to reach the door and even more to open it but finally she's standing in front of me, staring up at me with heavy eyes. If I wouldn't know better I'd say she looks like she cried.   
“Are you alright?”   
Me being faster than her throws her off a little. Instead of answering me she shakes her head and pushes me back into the room, closing the door behind us. Now standing in darkness she takes a deep breath and fixes her eyes on me, at least as good as she can with such little light.  
“I know you told me you're not ready to talk but I can't watch you go on like this.”  
Guilt rising in my chest I stare at one of the dark corners in front of me. This is bad.  
“You're still not eating properly, you're avoiding us, you're wandering off without telling anybody, you're not sleeping, yes I can see that, you can't focus and, to be frank, you've lost weight. This is as far as I'll go.”  
I don't know what to say. I don't even know if she wants me to say anything. She's upset, clearly. Who could blame her.   
“Lo, listen. There's always a line you shouldn't cross. And you're damn near to one. I wont let that happen.”  
Knowing she wont get an answer she instead steps a little closer and reaches for one of my hands. Compared to hers they're ice cold and stiff, as if there was no blood left in them.  
“Please, please talk to me. I wont tell anybody else but please, you have to talk to me.”  
Slowly I start to feel like confronting me in this room was planned. Alisae doesn't want to see anything. She isn't even trying to make out my face. Her eyes are fixed on her own hand holding mine because she knows that there is something I don't want her to see. That woman is truly amazing.  
“I don't know how.”  
My voice is weak and trembling. But that's all she needs right now from me. As long as I'm talking she achieved her goal. No matter where this conversation will be going. She got a little closer to me opening up to her and I can see her relax just the tiniest bit.  
“Give voice to your thoughts. I know they're swirling in your head.”  
I take a deep breath and let my eyes trail off to the heavy curtains hanging in front of the window. There's no glass behind them which enables the wind to come through this room, illuminating it as the curtains blow enough to make the moon shine inside. It's a full moon, the one sight that always manages to make me tremble.   
“Do you know that feeling when you close your eyes and start seeing images?” Finally I start talking. My voice is almost too faint to hear but with no sounds around us but the melody of the wind she has no trouble making out my words. “When you're haunted by the past and it feels like it's come back to haunt you?”  
“You're talking about Zenos, aren't you?”  
No answer is needed to that question. My hand squeezing hers is all she needs to know she's right.  
“You know that it wasn't your fault, do you?”  
Silence.  
“There's nothing you could have done. It was his own doing and in the end he got what he deserved. You know that.”  
“No, I don't.”  
Finally I look back to her. She meets my pale eyes as I fix them on the dark blue of hers.  
“What are you saying.”  
“I don't think he ever wanted any of this.” I stop for a moment, reading the shock in her eyes, the disbelief on her face. “He was a tool. A weapon his father and Emet used to spread Chaos. I think in the end, all he really wanted was someone who understood him.”  
Now it's her turn to be speechless. Still staring at her I let my hand slip out of hers and hold it with my other one.  
“I'm sorry.”  
“No, don't be.” Quickly she reaches for my hand again, this time taking both of them. “Please, don't be. But tell me, have you been thinking about this all this time?”  
Still careful not to move my head too much in order to keep my scarf in place I look away again. Not because I don't want to answer her but because I'm still not able to tell her the truth and rather leave her thinking she finally figured it out.  
“Oh Lo, I'm such a fool.” she breaks the silence, suddenly wrapping her arms around me. “You've kept fighting all these years, you've gone through hell and back and never did I ask for your mental well being. None of us did.”  
“It's okay.” I lay an arm around her, placing my other hand on her head to softly stroke over her hair. “You couldn't have known. In the end I never talked to you either.”  
“That's still no excuse. Of course you'll be haunted by the past if you keep getting caught in war. Especially if suddenly everybody expects you to fight it for them. In the end no one ever asked you. You just kept going because it was expected of you.”  
A sudden rush of panic goes through my body. It was expected of me. Like it always has been, from the day I was born.  
“Did I say something wrong?”  
My mind trailing off further than it has in years I stare down at her. I hear her talk, I see her move her lips. But my brain isn’t processing anything. All there is are memories of the past. Pictures of moonlit nights. And fire. Flames engulfing everything around me, screaming, cursing. A man coming towards me, his sword gleaming in the light of the flames around us.  
“Hey, can you hear me?”  
I’ve been staring at her this whole time but I didn’t notice her squirming out of my arms and grabbing my shoulders, shaking me a little in hope of pulling me back.  
“W- Yes, I...” I begin but I’m still not fully able to realize what’s happening around me.  
Having enough of all of this Alisae grabs me and brings me over to the bed, sitting me down on it and kneeling down in front of me.  
“Lo? What are you seeing?”  
I haven’t blinked the whole time so by now my eyes are starting to burn up. I try my best to form a clear thought but all I can get out with my racing heart are bits and pieces of memories I’ve locked up in the back of my mind so long ago.  
“Fire. And steel.” I begin, still staring right through the Elezen in front of me as tears start to roll down my cheeks. “People running. Moonlight. A blade.”  
Alisae doesn’t fully understand what I’m talking about and yet she stays on her knees, holding my hands tighter than she ever has before.  
“Is this your memory?”  
I freeze, holding my breath for a whole moment. Finally my eyes focus on hers, her hair, her eyes, her hands on mine.   
“I think so.” I stop again as a headache starts to creep up to my temples. “But I can’t remember any of this.”  
For a few seconds none of us says a word until Alisae stands up and looks around the room, searching for something we can’t see.  
“There is no one else here. And it’s not my memory. So...” she stares down at me, both, confused and worried. “...it has to be yours.”  
I never thought it possible that I could use the echo on myself. Or a past me, so to speak.  
“What do you remember of your childhood?”  
That’s right. We never talked about this before. But now, thinking about it, I can’t remember anything.  
“Nothing. To be honest.”  
“Really nothing? The place you were born? Your family? Your friends?”  
I shake my head. I can’t remember for the life of me. It’s like it’s been erased from my mind and I didn’t even notice.  
“That’s...” Alisae stops, carefully thinking about her next words. “...troubling.”  
I just sit there, staring up at her, watching her as she sits down next to me, again reaching for my hand.  
“So you can’t even remember your parents?” she begins, staring at my hand in hers. “The lullabies your mother sang you to sleep with? Your father returning home and letting you fall into his arms?”  
Again I shake my head.  
“Nothing.”  
The silence holds it’s grip around us for what feels like hours even though it has probably been only a few minutes. I don’t need to look at Alisae to know that she’s breaking her head about what she could say, what she could do. I’d love to break the silence around us but, just like her, my mind is paralyzed. Everything is shifting and turning. My heart has calmed down by now but the thoughts and shrapnel of memories are still swirling around in my head. I’m still not able to piece these memories together, no wonder if all I’m working with are pictures of horror.   
Finally I get yanked out of this storm of thoughts by a little head leaning against my shoulder. I look down, watching her white bangs fall into her face as her eyes begin to fall shut. My gods, she looks so broken. With all this worry inside of her it would be no surprise to me if she had slept just as much as I did recently. Which would be not at all. But feeling her body relax as she slowly drifts into a well deserved sleep shows me that, even if just for a short while, her mind has stopped working itself up. Which is everything I could possibly wish for.  
“Sleep well.” I whisper against her hair as I wrap my arm around her and lean back against the stone wall, hoping that, with her in my arms, I will be able to get some rest too.


	4. Chapter 4

It’s been weeks since we heard anything from the border. I’ve almost grown to believe I’m safe again. But fate thinks otherwise. An informant brought us news of a facility not too far away from where we’ve been which is supposedly working on reproducing the black rose. Seeing this as an emergency situation we set our next goal: find the facility and bring it down. It was surprisingly easy to find and not heavily guarded either. We all agreed that it’s probably a tactic of the Garleans to avert our attention, hoping we wouldn’t think of the possibility that they’d pick up the research in such a small facility like this. That’s why it was more than easy to get inside. The guards were no match for Y’shtola’s magic and neither was the door which she simply blasted away. Breaking their defences we storm the facility with the handful of numbers we are, completely throwing our enemies off their balance. But the further in we get the stranger everything feels. The others don’t seem to notice but there is something off about this place. It’s too easy. Far too easy. And there’s no way they could mass produce the bioweapon here. The facility is simply too small. I don’t say a thing until we reach a big room full of machinery and mechanics. But nothing here looks like it’s able to produce something like the black rose.  
“This is a trap.”  
I turn to Thancred, nodding in agreement as I begin to collect my aether. I knew where this was going from the start. It was too easy, too convenient.  
“What a smart man you are.”  
An ice cold shiver runs down my spine. I know the voice well enough, I don’t have to look up to know who is standing in front of us. Instead I look over to Alisae who sets her eyes on me the moment she notices my movement. A wave of anger and frustration washes over her face before she turns to Zenos, pointing her edged sword at him.  
“What do you want?”  
Zenos looks at her with a sense of disgust, just for a moment before his eyes dart over to me and he starts speaking directly to me.  
“I’ve been so bored the last few weeks. I could use some fun.”  
I tremble where I stand, thoughts and emotions rolling over me as his amazingly blue eyes fix on me, robbing me of my breath. I can’t, no, I can’t do this.  
“Good, means we can end this here and now.”  
Zenos laughs at Thancred’s remark as he steps in front of me. With a single wave of Zenos's armoured hand dozens of magitec armours and Garlean soldiers storm the room, surrounding us in mere seconds.  
“I don’t think you will.”  
A smirk graces his face, one that is clearly meant for me, as Zenos turns around and disappears into the back of the room.  
“Follow him!” Alphinaud calls to me, already readying himself to clear a path for me. “We’ll follow as soon as possible!”  
I knew this would happen. That was his plan from the very beginning. Luring me here to split me off from the group and make me follow him alone. And, like always, he got his way. There isn’t even enough time for me to collect myself before the fighting begins. Sounds of metal clashing against each other ring in my ear, explosions blowing my hair into my face and suddenly I’m alone. Everyone else is lost in the masses but me. Guess I don’t have a chance. I start dashing into the direction in which Zenos left, running through the machinery, the sounds of fighting fading behind me. The hall is bigger than I thought and seems to go on to a lower level. Not seeing Zenos anywhere I decide to follow the steps down, even though there is no light illuminating them or the level to which they lead. Slowly I begin to wonder if he truly thought this trough. As a keeper of the moon I am used to darkness, even this kind. His eyes are not, so he has to be almost completely blind.  
I slow down at the base of the steps, scanning my surroundings like a hawk. Nothing, no sounds, no light, no movement. I take a few steps into the big hall which is but barely lit up by a few tiny windows which are almost swallowed by the ceiling. Suddenly there’s movement. But instead of getting into a fighting position I quickly hide behind some kind of machinery, holding my breath, listening to the steps coming closer to my position. They’re heavy and metal, in a pace I could recognize anywhere. The moment Zenos walks past me everything moves in slow motion. Golden hair gleaming in what little light shines down on him, his scent heavily lying in my nose. Sweat runs down my temple and I dig my nails into the metal behind me. Still holding my breath I bite down on my lip, forcing my mind to stay in place and not drift off to somewhere else. His pace stops, as suddenly as it appeared. I open my eyes which I had closed for gods know why to carefully take a look around the corner but I don’t get that far. Before my eyes can track any kind of movement a tall figure is pressing itself against me, pinning me against the cold metal behind me, grabbing my jaw to force my head up.  
“There you are.”  
Having him this close makes everything inside of me scream, so loud and violent that my breath stops once again. Blood rushes to my head and my lower region, heat spreading into every corner of my body. No scream is escaping my throat and no thought is able to form but the ones swirling around him. Our lips touch, not forced and neither violently but passionately, our bodies pressing against each other, my hands searching for something to hold on to. I draw in a sharp breath as Zenos finally breaks the kiss, his hand slipping further down and around my neck.  
“I’ve been longing for you since the moment I left you in these woods.” he whispers directly into my ear, sending a wave of excitement and nervousness down to my feet. Already my body is starting to feel weak and I so vulnerable. Every train of thought tells me to fall around his neck and steal thousands of kisses from him but the little voice of reason in the back of my head prevents me from answering him.  
“We can’t do this.”  
“Why not.”  
A knot forms inside my throat, something that wants to keep me from talking. And it’s not his hand around my throat which is keeping me locked against the machinery.  
“We...we can’t...”  
My voice is weaker than it has ever been before, trembling like a leaf in the wind, barely audible, even for me.  
“Nothing is hindering us.”  
Again I drown in his heat and the feeling of his lips, his tongue already slipping inside of my mouth while he pushes one of his legs up between mine. I wince up, a soft moan coming out between the sound of us breathing. This time we start by taking our clothes off, his metal plates hitting the ground as he carelessly throws them off, not caring about the noise we’re making. Now feeling the cold of the metal I shiver, clinging onto Zenos to absorb his heat but he enjoys to see me suffer, pressing me back against the machine, pushing a yelp out of my lungs. Groaning he grabs my naked ass and buries his face in my neck, kissing and biting his way all around it. All I can do is move my head to give him more space and cling onto him like a lost kitten, ears and tail twitching with every touch.  
“Zenos, please...”  
My voice is so quiet and weak that I fear he isn’t able to hear me. But my whining seems to have reached his ears. He stops and moves his head up, looking at me from the corner of his eyes.  
“Please what?”  
I want him to stop. I want to beg him to let me go, leave me be, but nothing leaves my mouth. My body reacts for me instead, moving my hip up so our hard dicks rub against each other. I hear the quietest groan coming from Zenos shortly before he grabs my shoulders and violently turns me around, pushing his full weight against me to prevent me from moving. One hand makes it’s way down to my hip, the other covers my mouth. Two of his fingers slide through my lips, playing with my tongue as I twirl it around them. I can feel his big dick rubbing against my back, pulsing and twitching from excitement. Seems like he’s just as impatient as I am. Without a warning he takes his fingers out of my mouth and pushes them inside of me, drawing out a startled loud moan. Feeling his fingers rub and twirl inside of me I press my forehead against the cold metal and dig my nails into it, trying to get some sense of support while my legs are starting to tremble.  
“Seems like I haven’t been the only one.”  
I wish I could deny him but both of us know I’d be lying. No matter how loud the voice of reason in my head is screaming, my mind and body are louder. I feel my hip push against him, move on it’s own while my mind starts drifting further and further away, almost far enough to make me loosen my grip on the metal device. My hoarse breathing and whining fills the air around us, like a bubble from another world. As Zenos lets his fingers slide out and takes a step back I finally feel how weak my legs have grown. If he wouldn’t keep me steady with his hands I would simply drop to the ground. It’s only for a moment that he drops his head onto mine, his breath tingling on my ears as he grabs my hip, lifts one of my legs up and pushes inside of me. With the sudden rush of strength filling me up I pull my right hand away from the metal and wrap it backwards around Zenos’s neck, throwing my head back against his chest with a scream of pleasure. He doesn’t seem to mind, more on the contrary since he plants a soft kiss on the arm I have wrapped around him and begins to spread more downwards and all over my neck. His teeth dig into my skin, a signal for my hip to start moving on it's own so I can hear his groan again. Suddenly everything around us has become insignificant. The heat of our emotions is all that's left in our minds, hot and heavy like my body that's flaming up from the inside. Still clinging tightly onto Zenos I move my hip, at least as much as I can with the bit of strength I have left. His hand trails up and down my body, sending goosebumps over it as it hits the most sensitive parts. For just this moment I can relax, dropping my head forward, my hip moving on his dick while he explores every part of my chest, kissing my ear and neck, softly moaning together with me.  
“Don't ever run from me again.”  
Slowly I open my eyes, looking up to meet with his. It's sincerity that fills them, honest and true. Something I've never seen in his eyes before. Something that makes a part of me melt. The voice that kept screaming at me drowns the moment I pull his head down and drown him in a kiss. I feel every last bit of tension vanish in him the moment our lips touch, melting together between the cries of pleasure drawn out from his dick rubbing against my inner walls. Without a warning Zenos pulls away and pushes my face against the metal, so hard that I bite my inner cheek bloody.  
“For if you will I'll have no chance but to teach you better.”  
My heart drops to the ground, both in shock and fear. I can't discern if the tone of his voice is meant to be teasing or serious. In the end, it is still Zenos. Unpredictable and dangerous...and yet he keeps pulling me in. So much that I hear myself whining out a little “yes” shortly before I push my hip back against him. His nails dig into my legs as he grabs them and pulls them up, holding me up on his dick. Afraid to fall I wrap both of my arms around his neck, crying out in pleasure as he moves me up and down on his dick, lowly moaning into my ear. I don't feel the tears running down my cheeks or drop down on my chest and even if I did I don’t think I would care. Zenos's dick is digging itself deep into me, hitting me in ways unimaginable. All I can do is scream and shiver, hoping that he will not let me drop down.  
“Do yourself.”  
At first my brain doesn't even realize that he said something. It's completely focused on the sensation that keeps my body locked in numbness. Only when he growls out a “Now.” I snap back into reality and do as I'm told. Slowly I let my right hand drop down and wrap it around my own dick, rubbing it carefully at first, then harder and faster together with Zenos's thrusts, crying out with every one. Zenos comes just a few moments after I do, his dick pulsing as he comes deep inside of me. By now every bit of strength has left my body and yet I already miss the feeling. If I had the strength I'd move my hip on his dick to tease him for another round but before I can finish the thought Zenos slowly lets it slip out, smearing a little bit of cum on my butt cheek. Happiness starts to fill my chest as I feel him going down on his knees, turning me around to pull me on his lap and hold me close. He runs his fingers through my hair and plants soft kisses on my ears, one hand stroking over my back while the other has my hip locked in it's grip. For a few moments we simply sit there on the ground, breathing with each other, feeling the other's warmth, his fingers absently playing with my hair as I lean my head onto his chest.   
“I don't think we have much time left.”  
I let out a deep sigh and bury my face into his muscles, letting out a little whine as he carefully pushes me away and takes my hands in his. Only now I realize that I had dug my nails into him, enough to draw a little bit of blood. But the moment I want to address it Zenos silences me with a kiss, pushing me back into subspace with a glare of his eyes afterwards.  
“Your friends will soon come looking for you.”  
I drop my ears, eyes trailing off to the stairs at the end of the room. He's right, the sounds of fighting have vanished. It wont be long until they come running down these stairs, shouting out my name in hope of an answer.  
“Don't worry.” Zenos whispers, one of his hands letting go of mine to hold my chin, drawing my attention back to his icy eyes. “I wont ever wait as long again.”  
He steals a last kiss from me before he pulls me back on my feet with him, handing me what looks like a handkerchief from one of the pockets of his pants. I stare at it for a good minute while he puts his clothes back on, leaving the bigger parts of his armour which he simply tugs under his arm. I'm still standing there naked, staring at the piece of cloth in my hand which is clearly carrying his scent. As Zenos notices this he again takes my chin in his hand and forces me to look up to him as he watches me with a smug grin.  
“Maybe you should start carrying one from now on. Just to be sure.”  
And with that he leaves me there. Again. Alone in the darkness while he disappears, just to show up a few months or weeks later to let all of this repeat itself. A part of me wants to scream and curse him, for all he's done and all he'll be doing. And yet the other is captivated by that little piece of fabric which is smelling just like him. I raise it up to my nose and close my eyes, letting his smell that reminds me of something I can't quite make out wrap around me like his arms did just a few seconds ago. Hells, I wont use it. Not in a thousand years will I use this to clean myself. I'd be damned if I did for then I wouldn't be able to keep his smell. Maybe I shouldn't. I probably should just use it to clean the cum off my skin and leave it right here. And yet I can't. Instead I reach for my scarf, throwing it away between the machinery afterwards. I then hastily put my armour back on, obviously looking more like a mess than something that could protect me in battle. But right now I couldn't care less. All that matters is this handkerchief I'm holding in my hand.  
“Ma'lo!”  
Hearing Alisae's voice I stop in my tracks, looking up to see her running towards me, the others a bit further behind. In a panic I quickly hide the handkerchief in my pants, hoping she didn't see it. I'm sure she did, even if she doesn't say a word. Instead she looks behind me, looking for something, probably with blonde hair.  
“What happened? Where is Zenos?”  
She stares at me, her eyes digging into my very soul. She knows that something must have happened. The way my hair's all ruffled up and my armour is in an utter disarray it's more than obvious. And yet I could never bring myself to tell the truth.  
“He ran. I tried to keep up with him but he was faster than me. I think there has to be another point of entrance because I couldn't find him again after I lost him down here.”   
Of course, yes, the best excuse that has ever left my mouth. Truly ingenious.  
Her eyebrows sink, the way they always do when she smells something fishy. I'm so dumb, more than I thought. I almost expect her to get angry and snap at me but, with the others around us by now, her facial expression softens down and her body relaxes.  
“Are you sure you're okay? You don't... look well.” She scans me from head to toe when her eyes fix onto something none of the others seem to have spotted yet and starts reaching for it. “Why is there a bruise on your neck...?”  
Out of reflex I slap her hand away and take a step back, shocking not only her but myself and everyone around us. Of course, my scarf. Without it all of them are visible. This isn't good.  
“I'm fine.” I let out more like a growl and push myself through my friends, a hand pressed on the bruise Alisae just spotted. Now with all the adrenaline gone it starts to hurt like hell, my whole upper body feeling like one of those walking machines ran over it. I know that, from behind, they can see even more of the bites and bruises. But I can't bring myself to stop. My legs wont stop, not even for a second, not until I have finally left the building. I hear Alisae calling out for me but I've already made up my mind. I can't stay. I need to get away from everything, everyone. To clear my mind. To find myself again.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update, work and studying swallowed loads of my time since my exams are coming closer and closer, aha...  
> Means it could take a little longer for me to update from now on but I'll do my best to use the time I have to keep a (kind of) regular schedule!  
> Thank you for waiting and have fun reading! <3
> 
> ~ Ma'lo

The next time I open my eyes cold wind hits my face. It's already dark in Ishgard, the only source of light coming from the street lights and the illuminated windows of the houses. Quickly, before anyone can spot me, I duck into the shadows of the city, carefully avoiding every other soul that crosses my path. The freezing air stings on my exposed skin, flaring up the pain. I need to get to him as quick as possible.  
Luckily, thanks to it being the middle of the night, I manage to make it to his house unseen. I'm not even sure why I'm this paranoid and why I keep looking behind me. I've never been like this. And yet I'm standing here in the cold, avoiding any human contact, except for his.  
It doesn't take long for the big wooden door to open after I knocked against it. The moment he realizes it's me and sees my expression he quickly pulls me in and closes the door behind us, turning around with a stern look.  
“Are you okay, what happened?”  
With my hand still pressed against my neck I look up to him, his eyes that are usually as bright as the sky now clouded with fear.  
“Aymeric I... I think I need a friend.” I mumble out, slowly letting my head and ears sink. “And a bath... And something to eat.”  
And with that everything in me breaks. At first I start laughing, at this, at me, at how ridiculous this whole situation is. Until I realize how pathetic I must look that is. That's when tears start rolling down my cheeks. Aymeric quickly pulls me close and wraps his arms around me, one holding my head as I cry my heart out for what feels like eons. In the end it probably took only a few minutes until I finally start to calm down and catch my breath. Aymeric is still holding me close, absently stroking over my head. When he notices I'm back to being able to speak he slowly releases me of his hug, placing his hands on my shoulders and bowing down to get a better look at my ugly smeared face.  
“I don't know what happened but I'm here for you. We will get through this together, like we always did. Understood?”  
I take a deep breath and nod, luring out one of his cute little smiles which always gets me to smile back.   
“See, that's it. That's what I want to see.” he chuckles and wipes off some of the leftover tears. “Now come, we need to pep you up. How about it, you go and take a bath while I arrange something to eat?”  
I nod, laughing a little at how weird this still is. Coming here was definitely nothing I had planned. The moment I ran out of the Garlean facility I didn't even know where to go. Seems like something in the back of my mind knew exactly what I need.  
And it was right. This was exactly what I needed. The warm water, the soft light of the candles, the quiet. Him. He's always been there for me, no matter what. Ever since we joined forces to free his people we've been a power team, fighting alongside to ensure the safety of our future and each other. He even left me a new set of clothes so I wouldn't have to wear my armour. That's the only thing in this city I loved from the start. The soft and cozy robes, thick enough to keep me warm in the hardest of snowstorms. I can't explain why but it feels so magical being here in his big house. Normally I find these kind of mansions cold and lonely but his has never been. It's always flooded with light and happiness.  
“You look better.”  
Aymeric looks up as I enter the dining room, pointing over at the same place I sat the last time we had a dinner together. Strangely enough I don't see any servants around and yet there's amazingly smelling dinner on the plate in front of me.  
“Are you alone?”  
He sits down and reaches for a cup that is standing in front of him, nodding back with a smile.  
“Yes, I always send my servants back home after they're done with their work.”  
He notices my look as I stare from my plate up to him and back and starts laughing, shaking his free hand frantically.  
“Don't worry, it was no trouble. I still had some dinner left over and simply re-heated it for you. I do hope it's still enjoyable.”  
“Are you kidding me?” I return, still completely taken aback that he just personally served me dinner. “It smells amazing. Thank you thousandfold.”  
We both laugh and chat for a while, talking about my last visit, how Ishgard's restoration has come a long since then; and then, as I have emptied my plate, his smile dies down. For a few seconds none of us says anything, neither of us has to. We both know there is a reason for my visit.  
“It's about this, isn't it.”  
He points at his own throat, sending a shock-wave through my body. I quickly press a hand against my neck, realizing the robe's collar is covering less of it than I thought. For a splinter of a second panic rises back into my heart, almost making me jump up. In a reflex my hand slips into the pocket in which I had put the handkerchief, holding it close. But the fact that Aymeric is suddenly sitting right next to me, holding my other hand, pushes the fear back down. I'm still shivering as I turn towards him, doing my best not to lose my breath.  
“Please, Lo. I'm here for you, no matter what.”  
Warmth collects in my cheeks as I hear him address me with my true name. He's the only one who calls me that, or at least the only one who dared to ask me if it'd be okay.   
I sigh and let go of the handkerchief, laying my hand on his as I turn to him.   
“I don't know if...” I stop, pushing down a knot of feelings that already started to collect in my throat again. “If I'm able to tell you.”  
Aymeric let's lose of some of the tension in his shoulders and moves a little closer, now holding both of my hands between his.  
“There's no need to push yourself. Take all the time you need. But, by the looks of it, you need to get it out. Otherwise it will eat you up from the inside until nothing of your old self is left.”  
The moment our eyes meet I feel something inside of me push out. Like a barrier that has been broken, a switch that has been turned. I don't know why with him and not with Alisae, why she wasn't able to get it out of me. Maybe because I'd have to face her more often than him? Who knows, maybe he simply got the right moment.  
“I...” I start, falling over the following words at first before I can form something that's even close to resembling a normal sentence. “I did something really stupid. And not in the somebody-screwed-me-over way. This time it's been my doing and. I don't know how what to do.”  
“I wouldn't call what I'm seeing something bad my friend.”  
I'm back to staring at the ground, trying to hide the shame that is filling me up. Of course it isn't. Not at the base, that is. Gods I wish it wouldn't be this fucked up.   
“You don't understand. I shouldn't even be with him. It's wrong and disgusting and I am so ashamed of myself, Meric. I know it's wrong but I can't help it. Every time I see him my brain melts and I can't think straight.”  
Aymeric blinks, obviously confused as he tries to piece my problem together. Finally he shakes his head and let's go of my hands, laying them on my shoulders to hold my slumped over pose.  
“Listen. You know that we all love you and we would never judge you. We don't care if you love a man or a woman, as long as you're happy-”  
”It's Zenos!”   
That's where I cut him off. Not only by brushing off his hands but also by standing up, kicking over the chair due to the sudden movement. Crying again I turn around and wrap my arms around myself, biting on my lip in order to control myself.   
It takes a few moments until Aymeric stands up. Afraid of his reaction I wince, pressing my ears on my head and my tail against my leg. I'm not ready, I shouldn't have told him. This isn't good, he won't understand. I'm so dumb, why did I tell him? I should've just lived with this burden and kept it as far away from everyone as possible. I'm so dumb, so utterly brainless.  
“Lo, stop that.”  
Again his hands wrap around mine. But not in order to hold them. Not noticing how hard I grabbed my arms they've already gone white and the nails nearly cut through the fabric, which is why Aymeric carefully grabs them and pulls them away from my arms, walking around me to keep them locked in his.  
“What do you mean, it's Zenos.”  
Tears are rolling down my face, dropping down on our hands. My heart is racing, my breath frantic. But now it's too late. I can't draw back and leave him like this. I have to explain it to him. No matter how hard it is.  
“I don't know how to start.”  
I guess by now Aymeric stopped giving two shits about anything else because he pulls me down to the ground with him, sitting cross-legged in front of me while I rest on my knees.  
“Start at the beginning.”  
I take a deep breath and do my best to not end up panicking, thinking of when he first forced himself onto me. I spare him the details and only tell him what's necessary and still I see his expression shift more and more into disgust and shock. I knew he would react like that. How else should he? He's got every right to be angry. I would be too if someone raped a friend of mine and... Holy shit, Zenos raped me.  
“I think you just now realized it, didn't you.”  
I stare up at Aymeric, shivering and completely distraught. How did I never spend another thought on it. All I did was push it away and fight it, acting like it never happened until it happened again and all I could remember was what I hadn't pushed away. Which isn't much but in the end the part that impacted me the most. The part I liked, as little as it was.  
“Lo, it can't go on like this. You can't go back.”  
My head zooms back up, eyes fixed on him, panicked and shocked.  
“Why, why not?”  
“Because there's a powerful enemy who keeps luring you into traps in order to rape you every time you cross the border. You can't go near him.” Aymeric stands up mid sentence, searching for something in a drawer next to us. “You should stay here for the time being to recover until we found a way to handle the situation.”  
I don't even know how I got up on my own two feet or how I crossed the distance so quickly but suddenly I'm standing next to him, holding his right arm to keep him from finding whatever he is searching for.  
“No, Meric, I can't just stay away. I need to go back.”  
He looks down at me with a look I've never seen before. He's angry, so horrifyingly mad that Nidhogg's fury was nothing compared to his. It makes me feel smaller and weaker than I ever did before, like a child that just has been told to stay home as his father readies for war.  
“I don't think you understand. We need to get you as far away from him as possible. They'll manage. We did so during your time in the first so don't worry about the others. They still have Alphinaud and the others and-”  
“You don't understand!”  
I'm sure I've screamed loud enough for his neighbours to hear me. I'm breathing even harder than before, my nails digging in Aymeric's arm, while we stand there, staring at each other.   
“Lo... You can't be serious about this.” Aymeric calmly begins, laying a hand over the one I am still digging into his arm. “Let us handle this, just this once.”  
“But I don't want you to handle it!” My voice is still risen as I am still upset for gods know why. “You don't understand it, this doesn't need to be handled.”  
“Are you even listening to yourself?”  
I quickly shake my head and let him go, walking back a few steps to get some distance between us.   
“You really don't understand...”  
“Then what do you want?”  
Hands shivering I'm staring at the colourful carpet beneath our feet, tracing the lines of the pattern into nowhere.  
“I... I don't know...!” Thoughts begin swirling around in my mind, screaming and shouting so loud that I press my hands against my head, pushing my eyes closed in hope they will die down. “I hate this, all of this, I want to scream and run and get as far away as possible but I can't, don't you understand? I can't. He draws me back in, every breath I take is a moment in which my thoughts trail off to him, his eyes, his smell, his warmth, the moments he held me in his arms and kissed my hair- Meric, I can't fight him.”  
Aymeric hasn't moved an inch since I drew away from him. And neither has he said a word, even after I'm done talking, standing in the middle of the room next to the chair I've thrown to the ground earlier, crying and holding my head like a frightened child.  
“Please, breathe.” he finally whispers, only slowly coming towards me, afraid I will run from him. “This is obviously more complicated so we shouldn't rush anything, alright? We will sort this out, trust me. But I think you should get some sleep first.”  
Softly taking my hands Aymeric lowers my arms and guides me with him to a room down the hall before I can even think of an answer. It's a small guest room, at least for his standards. For me it's bigger than what I'm used to from my inn room, with an own bathroom and a corner filled with pillows and plants. It's almost bigger as the first floor of my house.  
“Please, try to get some sleep. Promise?”  
Still holding hands I look up to him, eyes red from all the crying with deep dark circles beneath them. I must look terrible, at least as much as I feel like. And still I don't feel like sleeping. I'm not even tired. I'm more alert than ever which is anything but a good start for a restful night.   
“Good. Sleep well my friend. Tomorrow will be better already, I promise you.”  
Squeezing my hand for a last time he closes the door behind him, leaving me alone in the room. I wait until the echo of his footsteps has vanished before I rush towards the desk and quickly scribble a “I am sorry” on a piece of paper. I can't stay here. I can't just sit around and wait, do nothing while he's out there. At least that's what I'm telling myself. Truth is, I want to see him again. No, I need to see him again. Already every part of my mind is screaming for him. My legs are restless, my hands shivering. I know it's wrong. It's so wrong and so fucked up. I know that I'm running back to the man who raped me. But Aymeric is right. There's something between us that is more complicated. Something I don't want to give up. What if, deep down, he still has the potential to be a good person? What if there is still a piece of him left that's survived all these years of his father's and Emet's torment? Even if not, I know there's something inside of me that can't go on without him. It's true, I need to sort all of this out. But I need to do it alone. And I already know where to go.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy patch day guys!  
> I hope you're enjoying the update so far because I know I do.  
> For those who already played through it, I hope you screamed as much as I did as we finally got to see our boy again. This single scene will spark a lot of spicy content ehehehe.

The Lochs aren't my favourite part of Eorzea and they never will but it's the closest I can get to the border. I'm sure some of the people noticed me on my way to the mountains, especially since I can't really disguise myself in such a climate. Even after all these years of adventuring I'm still not used to the brightness and heat of this steppe but well, can't do anything about it. I could wait ‘til nightfall but my body and mind aren’t stopping. Mt feet aren’t listening to the little voice of reason that is still trying to call out to me from the back of my mind. It tries it’s best but all the rest of me wants is to cross this border as soon as possible. Which I will thanks to my trusted mount for which the mountains aren't a big problem. With the heat of the slowly setting sun above us we make our way along what used to be a mountain path. Parts of it have fallen ruin to time and weather, collecting down at the base of the cliffs. I try my best not to look too far down but curiosity gets the cat. I wont fall of course. My mount is making sure of that. And yet I can’t help but think about me being one of these bits of earth. Broken, fallen into an abyss they will never be able to rise from again. They’re stuck down there forever, doomed to wait for a change that will never come. With it’s beak my mount carefully tips my side, drawing my attention to it and then what’s in front of me. We’ve almost made it across the mountain. I can see the grassy plains in the distance, spreading to the horizon where, somewhere, our enemies capital can be found. That’s probably where he is too. Somewhere, out there in Garlean territory. Thinking about the possibility that I could be forced to travel through this whole country to find him...how long would it take? A week? A month? Or would he find me without the slightest bit of effort like he always does? I will find out soon for this surely wont be the hardest part of this journey. Getting through Garlean territory unnoticed and find him while doing so will on the other hand. Which is, now thinking about it, a really horrible idea. Probably the worst I had so far. But now it's too late. I've already crossed the border, alone this time. No backup, no friends in tow. Just me. I but hope he'll find out about me crossing the border. The last time I did he knew about it in less than a day. So the chances are good that, this time, he'll be even faster.  
To disguise myself at least a little bit I put on one of my old thaumaturg's cloaks and wrap my staff in some cloth. It's the best I can do to not stand out like a sore thumb (next to sending away my mount of course). Now I need a plan to attract enough attention for Zenos to get wind of me being here without getting captured right away. Honestly I have still no idea how I am going to achieve this but first I’ve got to find somewhere to stay. Not that I mind sleeping in the open but in enemy territory I wouldn’t get a minute of rest. Luckily I don’t have to go far by foot to reach the village I had seen before descending from the mountains. It’s small, about the size of the one Zenos burned down. A dozen houses, a market place, a small town’s hall and, of course, a tavern. Anybody who's looking for something first asks around in a tavern and that’s what I’m going to do. Barkeeps always know everything about what's happening in town and or in the villages around it. It’s not a big tavern, more like a small inn with a bar but it’s enough. Already people started to gather inside, some of them enjoying a warm meal with a good drink, others are but talking or playing cards. Just like home. Not a thing about this environment seems strange to me. The people, the atmosphere, the smell. Everything’s the same. If there wouldn’t be a Garlean flag hanging outside you could think you’re still in Eorzea.  
For a moment I think about getting something to drink too and stay downstairs for a little. It’s not too full yet and not too loud either. And still, for some strange reason, I can’t make myself stay. So far not a single soul has set their eyes on me and yet I feel watched. A pair of invisible eyes, staring at me from the shadows. That’s how it feels. Maybe it’s just my imagination but not being able to shake this feeling I, instead of ordering something to drink, rent a room and immediately disappear into it. In the end that should attract more and enough attention to get people suspicious about me instead of taking a seat.  
And now I wait. Here in the Garlean Empire night has begun to wrap the world in it's darkness, revealing the gleaming stars above us, bringing down their light in order to illuminate the night together with the moon. I recognize the constellations on the firmament even though they’re slightly off. Everything seems to be a little further down than in Eorzea, now thinking back to the starfilled nights of Thanalan. I could sit and watch the stars for hours but there's no use in staying up when your eyes keep falling shut. In the end I do have to get some sleep, no matter how worked up I am. Even if it's hard to get something close to a good night’s rest in enemy territory. Still I manage to get a few hours worth of sleep before the sun starts to rise again, burning in my tired eyes like salt water. I rub my eyes with the sleeve of my cloak in order to ease the burning but all I’m doing is rubbing my tears further into my eyes. Luckily there’s a bowl of water ready on the side left to the window for me.  
Everything is quiet until I reach for the towel next to the bowl. Either I overheard it oe it started all of a sudden but the next moment my ears pick up on a commotion coming from outside. I quickly dry my face off and lean over to the side , looking down to the street. A few Garlean soldiers and magitech armours are rounding up the town’s people on the market place in front of the tavern, kicking over booths and boxes on their way. Among the people being gathered in the centre is the tavern's owner and two of the people I saw sitting in a corner when I entered. Now, the smart thing to do would be to vanishing through the back door without leaving behind a trace. But everybody knows that I’m not smart. I choose the idiot way to handle things. So I throw my robe over my head, throw my bag over my shoulder, grab my staff and make my way down the stairs, out of the tavern.  
“A little bird told us that a suspicious individual has been spotted here yesterday. But none of you seem to know what we're talking about. You realize how that sounds, don't you?”  
I'm standing in the back of the crowd that has assembled around the soldiers. Three of them are standing behind the hostages, the fourth is patrolling up and down in front of them.  
“I'm telling you, we haven't seen anything suspicious. Just the usual guests and travellers who come through.”  
“I don't believe you.”  
The soldier grabs the tavern’s owner's head and pulls it up, punching him hard enough to send him flying to the ground.  
“You've all seen what these so called freedom fighters did to the village not far from here! Don't you see, we're here to protect you. But we can't protect you if you don't help us.”  
The big man spits blood onto the ground and sits back up, looking directly into the soldier's eyes with a smug grin.  
“Do you really think anyone still believes your lies?”  
Another punch and he's out, laying on the ground like a sack of meat. The others look away, trying their best to remain calm.  
“He's right. They're lying.”  
The voice coming from behind me makes me freeze in an instant. I don't know how he did it or how he managed to sneak into this town unnoticed. And yet he's here, close enough to feel his breath tingle on my ears, his hair falling on my shoulders. I don’t know how I didn’t notice his presence or, even weirder, his smell. It’s like back down in the facility. He disappears without a trace to reappear without a warning, so close to you that you should have felt him approaching.  
“They will burn this village to the ground. Will you save them? Or run?”  
“I thought you knew me better than to ask me such a stupid question.”  
He laughs, still so close that I can feel his body heat through the fabric of the cloak.  
“There's an abandoned farm to the north. I'll be waiting for you.”  
Just like I expected, as suddenly as he appeared he vanishes again. I turn around as I notice his presence fade but he's already gone, nowhere to be seen. As if he hadn't been here in the first place. But I know he was. I did it. I found him. Or I made him find me, at least.  
“I guess we don't have another choice then.” I hear the solider shout, loud enough for everyone to hear, dragging my attention back to the crisis in front of my nose. “If you don't hand over the traitor we will have to draw him out.”  
He signs the soldiers in the armours to attack, sending a wave of panic and screaming through the crowd. That's my queue to intervene. I make my way through the people, stopping directly in front of the soldiers before they can make more than a step.  
“Stop!”  
Suddenly everything freezes. The soldiers stop, one raising their visor to look down at me, laughing as they realize it's just a single person that has thrown theirself in their way.  
“What do you think you're doing?”  
By now the people have stopped and turned around, staring at what's happening in the middle of the market.  
“What I always do. Protect those who can't protect themselves. For those we can yet save.”  
The moment I rip the cloak off my head a shock goes through the group of soldiers. Eyes are growing wide, some of them even begin to slowly take a few steps backwards.  
“I know him.” One of them stutters as I unwrap my staff, barely minding the soldiers in front of me. “That's the Warrior of Light!”  
Mixed reactions come from the people around us. Some scream even louder, others start to cheer. Most of them start running, which is what they are supposed to do. No civilian should be around while I'm taking care of these guys.  
“What are you waiting for? Stop him!”  
The leader of the group is still standing in front of the unconscious owner of the tavern, pointing directly at me. I raise my head to meet his eyes. He doesn’t want his comrades to know but he’s scared. The moment he realizes I’m looking straight at him he turns his head and instead concentrates on one of the soldiers next to him who still haven’t moved an inch.  
“Go!”  
Still reluctant the soldier he pushed forwards starts firing at me. Six against one, nothing I shouldn't be able to handle. All I have to do is look out for the armours, the footsoldiers will run as soon as they realize they are no match for me. I dodge the first salve, jumping to the side and rising up a barrier to shield myself and the people behind me from the magitech salves. This way I have enough time to collect my aether, forming the spell which allows me to cast my next three attacks within a few seconds. The first is a simple warning shot to make the soldiers stumble back, the second explodes right in their faces, sending all of them flying at once. The third targets one of the magitech armours, blowing off one of it's legs, making it fall over right against the next one. It's driver is able to jump out before he gets buried beneath the two sets of armours and starts running as fast as he can, followed by the rest of the soldiers after they managed to pick up each other.  
“Stop running you fools!”  
The one left, probably the officer leading the group, turns around to me for a last look before he starts running after his soldiers. I watch them run for a while, a sight I have missed for too longI know they’re but simple foot soldiers and can’t really be blamed for the brainwashing they went through but still, realizing I haven’t lost my touch is a great feeling. Straightening up and letting my neck crack I scan the ground around me until I found my things. The cloak got a little dirty but since I wont need it anymore I couldn’t care less. So I put it back into my bag and rather care for the tavern’s owner who’s just waking back up.  
“Are you alright?”  
Finally being back on his feet he nods and looks down to me, scanning my face and my staff which I have strapped to my back.  
“I am, thank you. But what in all hells is the Warrior of Light doing here?” he then asks, wiping some off the blood off with a piece of cloth he takes out of his pant’s pockets.  
“Just passing through.”  
“Really?”  
I look around. Some of the town’s people came back and are now standing around us, staring and whispering.  
“Well, if that's the case I hope your friends aren't far behind. We were hoping you'd show up.”  
I look at him just for a second. Of course. Seems like the news of us pushing past the border spreads like wildfire.  
“They will be here soon. Don't worry. We wont stop until all of you are safe.”  
“That's good to hear.”  
The big man waves me with a smile as I turn around and make my way out of town. That's not the kind of attention I wanted but it was necessary. Zenos knew I couldn't stand by and watch innocent people get hurt. He knew I would jump in and help, even if it meant that I’d have to reveal my presence. Maybe that’s what he wanted. At this point I wonder if there has ever been a step he didn't plan through to the tiniest detail. As far as I can tell he's always been one if not two steps ahead of us, even now when not even my closest friends know where I am. But I guess they will know soon. I can't leave these people on their own, not after I’ve put them all in danger like this. From now on the empire will see them all as traitors. There's no other way than to contact the others. And reveal to them where I am.  
“Urianger?”  
It took but one ring until he picked up on my call. I thought about calling one of the twins but knowing Alisae she probably would have shouted at me instead of letting me explain. And wherever Alphinaud is she will be too so calling him would have probably resulted in the same problem. Y’shtola is currently busy with Kryle and Thancred isn’t one to pick up until you’ve called him at least five times. So Urianger is my next best bet.  
“Ma'lo? Art thou well? Wh-”  
“Ma'lo!”  
Alisae didn't even give him five seconds to talk before she took over the conversation. Poor man. She’s probably pulled him so far down that they’re on the same height now, pressing herself so close at the bent down Elezen that she can hear me.  
“Where the hells are you? We've been worried sick!”  
“I'm sorry I vanished so suddenly but I had something to take care of.”  
“What do you mean, take care of? You just ran away! Where are you?”  
I sigh. That’s exactly why I wanted to talk to somebody else. She has every right to be mad, of course. But right now all I. Want is to keep this conversation as short as possible so I can get to that barn as fast as I can.  
“I'm currently in a Garlean village to the east from the one from our last trip. They are requesting support.”  
In order to prevent her from interrupting me again I speak as fast as possible, probably startling her more with that than with what I’m actually telling her.  
“What are you- No, we'll talk about it as soon as we’ve arrived. Wait until we’re there.”  
Probably already off to pack her stuff she hangs up on me. She wont find me in the village when she arrives and I'll be gone for too long to track me then. Even Y’shtola wont be able to find me. I’ve learned how to hide my aetherical trail during the past year. The only one who is still able to pick up on me is Zenos. However he is doing it. So they wont find me, not unless I want them to find me. I’ll do it like he does. No one has ever been able to track him down, unless he wanted you to. I know this isn't the best way to handle this whole situation but I've seen what it has done to Aymeric. I wont drag another one of my friends into this hell hole. This is my problem and I'll handle it on my own.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I hope you're all doing good out there.  
> Where I live we just went into a curfew and my salon got shut down until further notice so yeah, guess I've got a lot of time now :'D  
> Anyways I hope you're all safe and healthy!

The farm wasn't hard to find. It took but half an hour of walking until I've been able to spot the building in the distance. Even from afar the place looked like it has been abandoned for at least a decade. The wooden pillars are barely holding the roof up and the porch looks like it would break the moment you take a step on it, overgrown by ivy, the colour of the wood faded from the harsh sunlight above. But no matter how horrible it may look, surprisingly it's still standing. I take a last look at the surroundings, making sure that no one followed me, before I walk up to the front door. The wood creaking beneath my feet I carefully open the see-through door. Inside it almost looks like someone is still living in this house. Vases filled with dried flowers, family portraits hanging on the walls, even a pair of shoes that’s standing right next to the door. The furniture seems to be in good condition too. It's a little dusty but otherwise I can't find a fault with it. It almost looks like someone packed what little they had and left without ever looking back. Fleeing from something.  
I'm still standing in the bright hallway as I turn to the left, looking into what seems to be the living room. There I see a familiar figure sitting on a sofa, looking out of the window to his right. On the coffee table in front of him stands a set of cups with a dark liquid in them that I’m able to smell all the way from the entrance. Black tea. I take my staff from my back and carry it in my hand as I get closer to him, passing a dining table and some bookshelves. He's not wearing any armour nor has he a sword with him. Something I haven't seen before. Upon seeing him like this most people would say he's grown too cocky, but I know better. I know that he doesn't need a weapon to be a threat. And still I take a seat in an armchair on the other side of the coffee table, leaning my staff against it instead of keeping it on me and putting my bag down on the ground next to it.  
“Don't you want to have your weapon ready?”  
“You don't have yours either.”  
His eyes dart over to me, finally giving me some attention.  
“Fair. Tea?”  
I look down at the mugs on the table, shaking my head. Usually I'd never turn away a nice cup of tea but right now my belly doesn't feel like taking in anything, be it food or liquid.  
“A shame. I thought we could enjoy some time together without anyone bothering us. Isn't that what you wanted by seeking me out by yourself?” He narrows his eyes, tracking every single of my movements with them. “Without telling anyone where you went.”  
“How do you know?”  
“I don't. It's the only logical explanation for you coming here alone.”  
This was a bead idea. I mean, of course it was. And I'm an idiot for thinking he wouldn't be able to put one and one together.  
“Barely even two days.” He stands up, eyes still fixed on me, slowly taking step after step around the table until he's standing directly in front of me. “And you already came back to me.”  
I lower my ears and stare down at our feet, his so much bigger than mine. I don't know what to say, what to do. There's no excuse for me being here. He knows that and I do too. He knows why I came back. That he has won.  
“Of course you'd come back.” Zenos begins, taking my chin in his hand to push it up, looking down at me with his cold eyes. “I didn't expect it to be so soon though. Tell me, did you long for me so much that you couldn’t take it anymore?”  
I can't. Me accepting defeat doesn't equal being able to speak it out. I know I know, that means I've not yet fully realized it. But could anyone blame me? The way he's holding me, looking at me, talking to me. It's so soft, so caring and yet he keeps his threatening position above me. It melts me down to my bones, leaving nothing but a crumbled mess of thoughts. I need to try, no matter what others think.  
“I don't want you to hurt any more innocent people just to get to me.”  
“Once a hero always a hero.” he murmurs, letting go of me so suddenly that I almost forget to hold my head up on my own. “Giving up yourself to save others. I expected more of you.”  
To my surprise he turns around, already taking a step towards the door. But I wont let him leave me here. I wont let him go. As fast as I can I jump up and reach for his arm, barely able to gather enough strength to stop him and hold him in place. I don’t know what I expected to happen but the moment he feels the tug on his arm he turns back around and grabs me by the throat, pushing me back down on the armchair.  
“You're a fool to think it would be that easy. And an even bigger one to think I would let you throw yourself away like this!”  
For as long as I've known him I've never seen him this angry. No, that's not it. He's upset. And hurt. Honestly hurt by what I said, by how I acted. Or even how I treated myself.  
“That's...not it.” I get out with a hoarse voice as his grip around my throat grows tighter by the second, both of my hands trying their best to get his off me. “I just don't...want to run from you...any more.”  
Hearing the last bit finally makes him let go of my poor neck. I cough as I'm finally able to draw in some air, holding my chest in hope it will ease the pain. I want to look up to him but his eyes are staring me down with a coldness I've never felt before. Everything inside of me goes numb in both fear and hope. Fixing my eyes on the rugged carpet that's laid out under the furniture I sit there on the chair, waiting for him to say or do something. Hoping that I didn't just ruin everything, breaking my head, trying to find something I could say to make him believe me. That I'm not toying with his emotions. Something I never thought I'd have to do one day. But no matter how much I think I'm just not able to see through him. I don't have the slightest clue how to get to him.  
“I'm tired of running.” I whisper again, more to myself than to him.  
Finally I look back up to him, my ears rising in hope of receiving a positive reaction. But there's nothing. He's still staring me down like I'm a worthless piece of dirt, like he's never seen me before. I give up. I don't know what to do anymore, or what he wants from me. Does he want me to humiliate myself? To show him I've given up to him? Or is he fighting with himself? Is he trying to get what I just said into his head or is he honestly repulsed by my words? I just can't say. So all that's left for me to do is drop my head again, ears down and tail wrapped around myself as tears are starting to dwell up, choking me more than he ever could. My whole body begins to shiver as they drop down onto my legs, darkening the cloth as it soaks up the liquid. Everything I’ve bottled up and everything that’s clogging my mind falls lose, falling over me like a ravine, drowning me in my own misery. The moment Zenos realizes I'm crying he quickly drops down in front of me, taking my head to look at me. I return the gaze, barely able to see anything through my tear clouded vision. I don't want to know how ugly I look or why he decided to stay with me. I didn't expect him to. And yet he's here, kneeling in front of me, stroking my cheek with thumb, wiping away the tears that make their way down.  
“You really mean it.”  
I can't discern if it's a question or a statement. It sounded more like something in between. So, to make sure, I nod, taking in a few deep breaths, trying to calm myself down. Even though it's not working I manage to blink away a few tears, finally enabling me to see a little clearer again. Zenos is still looking at me, brows clenched, his facial features filled with worry. It's the first time I see him showing any kind of emotion (next to insanity of course). It honestly shocks me a little, enough to bring the tears back I just managed to fight off. Gods, I'm so embarrassing. It's the second time in a span of 24 hours that I'm crying my eyes out in front of someone and now it's the one who should be my arch enemy. The one I should never show any weakness to. And yet here I am. Having a mental breakdown because of him with him also being the only one who could get me out of it. This is so fucked up.  
“I can't get you out of my head.”  
Zenos's eyes widen a little as I manage to bring out a sentence between all the ugly crying and whining. Every trace of coldness in his eyes has vanished, replaced by something warmer. Like a clear sky on a sunny day.  
“Every time I close my eyes I see you. Every time I'm alone I think of the times you've held me in your arms. Your smell follows me everywhere. I can't live like this, do you understand that?”  
Every time another tear runs down my cheek Zenos wipes it away before it can drop down, holding my head the whole time, watching me shiver and whine. For a moment he just looks at me, studying my features, my eyes, my lips, my messed up hair that's in desperate need of a cut. He brushes it out of my face and holds it there as his other hand traces my jawline.  
“You don't have to.”  
Finally calming down a little I unclench my hands from my pants and focus on Zenos as he stands back up, letting go of my face in order to hold his hand out to me instead.  
“What do you mean?”  
“Come with me.”  
I stare at his hand for a good while before I raise my head, trying to find something in his posture or his face that tells me he's joking. But there's nothing. On the contrary. He's smiling at me, so full of confidence that it almost makes me lay my hand in his without another thought.  
“Zenos, I can't, you know that-”  
Before I know his hand is covering my mouth, making me shut up as he shakes his head with a sudden serious expression.  
“I don't want to hear you say another word until I ask you to.”  
I swallow and nod, allowing him to pull me to my feet. Well, I don't think I'd be able to rise myself up on my own anyways.  
Without another word from him Zenos grabs my wrist and pulls me up the stairs with him. All I can see before he drags me into one of the rooms is another hallway with a few doors going off to the right and left, a little planter standing at the end of it beneath a smudged window. The room itself looks like it has once been the master bedroom with a king sized bed inside of it and a big closet out of polished solid timber. He stops in front of the bed and turns around to me, pressing his lips against mine, tasting the salt of my tears as his hands run over my naked belly, under my crop top and further up to pull it over my head, throwing it into the next best corner. I do the same with his pullover, at least as much as I can with our height difference. As soon as both of us are topless he violently throws me onto the bed and pulls off my boots and pants, followed by his own. I watch him stand there in front of the bed, eyeing my naked body, already being rock hard. I'd say seeing him eat me up with his eyes only makes me even weaker but I don't think that's possible any more.  
With a grin Zenos then leans his right knee on the bed, stroking my left leg with his hand as he begins to kiss it everywhere he can reach, down to my hip and up my chest as he climbs on top of me. I feel my heart skip a beat every time his lips touch my skin, jumping right out of my chest, leaving me as nothing more than a vulnerable bundle of emotions. As soon as possible I bury my hands in his silky hair, pushing my head into the mattress while Zenos explores my neck, sucking and biting, drawing out little moans and whines especially when he targets the spots which haven't yet healed completely, his hair tingling on my skin every time he moves. By the end of this my body will be covered in bruises and bite marks but I couldn't care less. On the contrary, I want more. I want every last spot to be marked by him, again and again until it stays forever.  
As suddenly as he attacked my neck he raises his head again and looks down to me, chest rising and falling rapidly, his hair already completely messed up. I can't help but admit that he's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. With the light shining at him from behind his hair almost seems to be glowing, making him look like a young god in human form. And that's not exaggerated. He's so much bigger than me that it's almost ridiculous but my gods, I love it.  
Realizing that I'm staring at him Zenos bites his lip and smirks down at me, making me draw in a sharp breath, clinging into the sheets beneath us. Asshole.  
“Don't stop.” I mutter out, my voice shivering just as much as the rest of my body.  
Too sudden for me to realize his right hand closes around my neck again and squeezes. In shock I start to fight beneath him, at least as much as I can. Flashbacks flood through my head, driving me into a panic, so much that I claw into his arm in hopes of struggling free. Of course it's no use fighting him, nothing in this world could remove his hand from me but he himself.  
“Did I allow you to speak?”  
Ears pressed down I quickly shake my head, gasping for air.  
“If I want you to beg I'll tell you so. Understood?”  
I nod, even faster and more panicked than I shook my head. Thankfully he lets go of me but instead of giving me a moment to breathe Zenos pins both of my hands down over my head and pushes two of his fingers inside my mouth, almost deep enough to make me gag. Whining quietly I start sucking and licking on them until he pulls them back out and digs them inside of me, shooting a wave of ecstasy through my body which comes back out as an embarrassingly needy moan. My hands are starting to feel numb but the feeling coming from my lower body distracts me so much that I couldn’t care less. I raise my hip to make it easier for Zenos which also results in his fingers being pushed deeper inside which he takes as a sign to push in another and stretch me out by spreading them apart inside of me, rubbing and pushing, hitting parts I never knew existed. I swear, if he’d keep going like this I'd come without him having to touch me even once. But not this time. This time he wants to see me suffer and squirm, moan and cry beneath him until I'm broken completely.  
Finally Zenos let's go of my wrists and plants his free hand on one of my legs, pushing it back as far as possible. Not knowing what to do with my freed hands I keep them in place, digging them into the cloth above my head. Just in time as but a moment later he pushes a fourth finger in. I arch my back, letting out a startled whine as the burning climbs up my spine. Enjoying the sounds I'm making Zenos spreads his fingers apart, biting and kissing my leg while he rubs his fingers against my inner walls.  
“You should hear yourself. So beautiful.” I hear him murmur against my skin, spreading bruises and bite marks all over my thighs.  
Every new mark, every sweet kiss sends little shocks through my skin, spreading through my whole body, mingling with the ecstasy until it’s nothing but a blur of feelings. By now my mind is nothing more than a mess, far away from being able to process what he's saying.  
“Do you want more?”  
All I can do is nod. For me it would've been more than enough since it's a miracle that I’m able to understand him at all. But not for Zenos. He keeps pushing me to the edge, rubbing and spreading his fingers inside of me which is making it even harder for me to get anything out besides pathetic moans and whining.  
“What was that?”  
Gods, release me. I can't do this, there's no way. I'm barely able to keep my mind in the here and now, how in all hells am I supposed to form a clear sentence? It's impossible and yet there's no other option. I know that he'll keep going like this until I beg for him, until I admit defeat and surrender myself completely, body and soul. Which I apparently haven't done yet. At least not in his eyes.  
“Please.”  
“Please what?”  
I've achieved the impossible. No matter how weak and trembling it sounded, finally my voice came out. And yet it’s still not enough.  
“Please.” I push out again, this time with more pressure behind it. “I need more.”  
“More of what?”  
Instead of finally letting me have it he slows down the movement of his fingers, almost letting them slip out completely before he pushes them in again. This isn’t good, I can’t go on like this. I need to focus, as hard as it is.  
“More of y-” Feeling his fingers spread inside of me makes my mind go blind for a second, interrupting my train of thought and with that my sentence. “Of you, please, I can't take it anymore.”  
Faster than I ever thought possible I feel his fingers getting exchanged with his dick. With a single thrust he pushes it inside of me, making me scream and claw into the bed, arching my back as I feel his full length digging itself all the way in. Almost immediately I wrap my legs around his waist, pushing mine up to meet his, keeping them locked into each other. Zenos lets his head drop on my chest and starts moving without a warning, slowly at first, then picking up the pace more and more. He keeps his body pressed against mine, holding me so tight that it seems like he's afraid I could escape at any moment. Which couldn't be further away from what I want right now. With my claws now digging into his back I lean my head back, moaning pathetically with every thrust. He’s hitting so deep, stretching my ass further and further with every thrust. If I’d be able to think clearly I’d be so endlessly embarrassed by the sounds fleeing from my mouth. It doesn't stop at simple moans; It’s crying, whining, screaming, begging with something that’s trying to imitate a voice. And he enjoys it. He knows which spot to hit to make me scream out his name, where to kiss to push my body over the edge. I feel my tail twitch even though it’s wrapped around his leg and close my arms and legs even tighter around him, scared that he could just stand up and leave me here like this. I know he wont. He wants me just as much as I want him. None of us would dare to let go now and if it’s the last thing we would do.  
“Fuck.”  
It’s barely audible but my ears pick up on it either way. It's Zenos’s voice but so completely different from anything I’ve heard before. Weak and trembling, almost like mine. For a moment I grow a little worried and try to get a glimpse of him but his head is still firmly planted on my chest. So I release one of my hands, his blood smeared on my claws, and bring it up to his head, stroking over his hair. In response he finally raises his head to look at me and by the gods I can’t believe what I'm seeing. His face completely red, his eyes watery and his jaw tensed up. It almost looks like he’s trying to hold back an emotional outburst. And yet, the moment he locks his eyes on mine that bit of weakness vanishes and gets replaced by the fire from before. In the next moment his lips are on mine again, biting them softly as we kiss, our tongues rubbing against each other in the heat of our breaths. Zenos picks up the pace again and breaks the kiss as suddenly as he started it, giving me no chance to breathe as his hand closes around my neck again. It’s not as tight as before but it’s still cutting off air, heat rushing to my head as he pushes his upper body up and watches me, his hip slamming against my ass.  
“I’ll never let you go again.”  
My vision is starting to get blurry from both the lack of oxygen and the tears welling up in my eyes. Every normal person would try to fight his hand off, especially me. But I’m not normal, as it seems. Somehow the lack of air heats my body up even more, like a flare in a cold winter night. I’ve deemed it impossible but every time Zenos hits that spot a scream escapes my tight throat, hoarse and heavy but loud. I know he’s grinning. I don’t need to see it to know he’s fully enjoying himself.  
“Do you want to come?”  
All I can do is nod and, luckily, this time it’s enough for him. Still pushing his dick deep inside my body he closes his other hand around me and starts pumping, pushing out even louder screams and moans. It almost feels like dying and yet I never want it to stop. It’s so good and so horrible at the same time, a feeling I can’t even begin to describe. But it’s pushing me closer and closer until I feel lightning run through my body, making my back arch up like a piece of paper.  
“Shit.” is the only thing I hear from Zenos a few thrusts later, low and trembling but nothing I wouldn’t be able to hear anyways with him being so close to me.  
I feel him pulse as he shoots his cum inside of me, taking in the last moments of ecstasy before he finally lets go of my neck and lets his body drop on mine. He’s heavy, too heavy for my little body but I don’t want to ruin the moment. So I let him lay there, my legs and arms still wrapped around him, focusing on trying to breathe with his weight on my chest. For some reason I don’t have the strength to release them, or to open my eyes for that matter, so I leave them like they are, taking in every little bit of Zenos’s warmth and smell while I still can. Sadly this surreal feeling doesn't last for long. A few moments after both of our hearts have finally calmed down Zenos starts to move. First he slowly pulls his dick out, careful not to smear even more cum on my butt-cheeks. It's no use though, he filled me up so much that the moment the tip slips out some of his cum starts dripping out on it's own. But I don't mind. Him laying down next to me and pulling me onto his chest is so much more important. Still dizzy from the heat I slowly open my eyes and watch his hand search for mine, entwining our fingers on his chest as his other arm wraps around me. I still don't fully understand what is happening but should I really care right now? Now when he's keeping me in his arms, holding me as I listen to the sound of his heart beating beneath my ears? I know I should, I've been telling myself so countless times before. But what does it matter if we end up together again anyways? What use is it to keep myself away from the person I feel constantly drawn to? Aymeric is wrong. I know it. Zenos isn't using me and neither is he doing this simply to get me out of the game. He longs for me just as much as I long for him. Why else would he care so gently for me?  
“Come with me.”  
His words violently pull me out of my thoughts. It still takes me a second to fully realize what he said and yet I can't believe he truly asked it again. To make sure I raise my head to look at him but what I see in his eyes throws me off even more. More than any battlefield and more than watching a whole city burn to the ground. He's staring at the ceiling, eyebrows knitted, his jaw tensed up. His eyes seem to be somewhere else and yet they are filled with the horrible truth of reality. He knows his request is foolish. He knows it well and yet, he hopes. An emotion I never thought I'd ever see him express, especially not from the bottom of his heart.  
“Zenos.”  
His name is all I can force myself to say. It hurts, everything hurts. My heart feels like it's being torn apart and squeezed at the same time, split into a thousand pieces just to be glued back together and torn apart again. It hurts so much.  
“You know that I can't.”  
“Why not? Nobody is forcing you to go back.”  
I lay my head back down on his chest. His heart has calmed down to a painfully slow rhythm, just like mine.  
“I have a responsibility, you know that. I can't just vanish.”  
For some seconds none of us says a word. We're both torn between what we want, what's more important to us. What matters to us the most.  
“I wont let you go.”  
I clench his hand with all my strength until my fingers start to turn white. Noticing that Zenos releases his fingers from mine and plants my hand on his chest, his now laying above mine.  
I want to say yes. I want to stay and never leave his side again. Everything inside of me wants to. But I know I can't.  
Realizing he wont get an answer from me his body tenses up again. I hear the rhythm of his heart stagger for a few beats before he suddenly sits up, so fast that I simply slip down onto the sheets. Confused I look up, directly into his endless blue eyes. He has his right arm planted next to my head, leaning over me and watching me like a hunter watches his prey.  
“You know that your friends will be here soon.”  
The realisation hits me like a punch in the face. From one moment to the next adrenaline rushes through my body, thoughts screaming in the back of my mind. And yet I can't move. My head spins like a carousel, I can feel the blood being drained out of my limbs. It's not fear, yet it's so similar. And I can't find a better word to describe it. I'm frozen. All I can do is stare up at Zenos while my thoughts are falling over each other, blocking everything else from my mind. They'll drag me back with them. They'll make me leave him. I'll be left behind. I'm not going to see him again. I can't go on without him. I don't want him to go. I don't want to go.  
“Ma'lo.”  
Hearing my name I drag my mind back to the here and now. There's no use. I can't stay here. And I can't go back either. Not now, not after what happened. I'll either go with him out of free will or he'll make me.  
“Come with me.”  
Thousands of voices scream at me, telling me to run, to be reasonable, to go back and do what's right. But it's not what I want. I want to say yes. No, I want to scream it. Loud enough for everybody to hear. I want all of them to know. I want to run and never come back. I want to leave all of this behind and yet my body wont move. My nails are digging into my skin, almost enough to draw blood. Zenos notices it but he doesn't stop me. He's watching me fight with myself, battling the tears, ears dropped lower than they ever have been before. It feels like I'm about to die. But this is exactly what he wanted. In the end getting me to come with him out of free will is far more satisfying than forcing me. But how could I willingly leave my friends behind? And all these people that need my help. That's all I've been doing these past years. Helping others, pushing myself to the edge and the brink of death, more than a few times actually. I don't even know how to care for myself anymore. And realizing that it needed someone like Zenos to make me see it hurts even more than the fact itself. Before I can think of an answer for him Zenos leans down on his forearm and lays his forehead on mine, closing his eyes as I do the same, taking in his scent. Within seconds I start to calm down, listening to his heart beat and his breathing that aligns with mine. Before him no one has ever managed to calm me, at least not this fast. I have to admit, I rarely show my emotions to this extent. But there have been times in which I have been overcome with anger or grief, times where I snapped. Times where nobody was able to hold me back. This is something completely new. It's something I have never felt before.  
“I can't bear to see you like this.”  
I feel his hand stroking through my hair as he whispers it right into my ear, making me weak with just his words. Though this time it's different. It's not excitement, it's relief. The tenderness of this beast of a man makes me relax to a point that everything else begins to seem irrelevant.  
“Take me with you.”  
It's decided. I wouldn't be able to survive being separated from him again. It's no use to fight it. I would break down and this time I wouldn't be able to stand up again. Nothing would be able to fix this damage. Knowing that, how could I go back? Wouldn't it be the more reasonable thing to stay? Why do something that hurts me so deeply? To fight a war that isn't mine? No, I will still fight that war. It's not like I'm deserting everything we've worked for. I'm simply not staying at the same place as they are.  
“Then let's not waste any more time.”  
I'm not able to catch a glimpse of his face as he pulls me up with him and helps me pick up my clothes, probably because he doesn't want me to see. So I can but imagine what it could look like. Happy? Relieved? Smug? His posture isn't giving anything away but the need to leave this place as quick as possible so there's no way to reason his expression from his body language. There's no time to do so anyways for the moment I'm dressed again he grabs my arm and pulls me with him. I don't know where we're going and I don't care to be honest. I would've even forgotten both, my staff and bag, if he wouldn't have gone back to the living room to fetch it before leaving the house. Everything's happening so fast that I'm barely able to process what's happening. Before I know it we're standing in front of the house, not even an inch away from each other as Zenos keeps me as close to him as he can. Standing there he's looking down at me with a strange expression I can't read anything into. With the sun burning above us he steps closer to me, eyes fixed on mine. I wonder if something's wrong, why he's gone so silent all of a sudden until I see his eyes shift in colour. Recognizing the pattern a shiver of fear runs down my spine. From the back of my mind my instincts are telling me to run away, far away and hide, but he's holding me too tightly to shake him off. Instead I'm getting pulled in even closer, right before a thick dark smog engulfs us and makes everything around us fade to black.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyy guys, hope all of ya'll are still doing well!  
> It took me some time to collect my thoughts and not get side-tracked all the time but hey, the new chapter is here!  
> Actually I think it's the longest one so far?  
> Anyways, the two boys are finally getting some rest too! So enjoy a break from war and death with them <3

As soon as the darkness around us dissipates the smell of fresh grass and earth is gone, replaced by the familiar feeling of cold stone under my feet and the heavy smell of sandalwood in the air. Sandalwood. That's it. That's the smell I've been trying to make out. It's hanging around him so heavily and not only that but the light flooded hallway in which we are now standing too. Slowly turning my eyes from one side to the other I try to find something that could give away our location but I don't recognize the place and there's no window close enough to look out from. The only thing I know is that it has to be somewhere further into Garlean territory. It has to be...although the white marble covering the ground and walls would indicate otherwise. But, right now, that's not my main problem.  
“Zenos, you...” I stop, carefully looking back up to him. “...your eyes.”  
He's eyeing me from the corner of his eyes which are, strangely, back to their usual icy blue. Still, I know what I've seen. They changed, even if it was just for a split second.  
“What about them?”  
He doesn't know. Well, maybe that's for the better. Maybe I should keep silent and change the topic, not bring up the fact that his eyes changed colour just a second before we ported here. Which is a completely normal thing, definitely. And it's not sounding all the alarm bells inside of my head, not at all.  
“Where are we?”  
“Not in the capital, don't worry.”  
Like I thought, and hoped. And yet I have the feeling we haven't travelled far. I'm not sure if I should ask further, try to get more information out of him. It could aggravate him and that's the last thing I want at the moment. He's acting even stranger than usual, which means quite a lot. I shouldn't push my luck.  
Without a warning Zenos starts walking down the hallway, pulling me with him by my right arm. I do my best to follow him as quickly as possible because right now I can't predict how he would react. I'm not getting any violent vibes from him nor is he showing any signs of getting dangerous for me. And yet, something about him still feels off. I was a fool to think he'd stay like he was in the abandoned farm. In the end it's still him. His mood can change from one second to the next, like a switch being turned off and on. At least that's what it seems like. By now I'm not so sure anymore. I think he's simply doing what brings him joy and nothing else. Anything that keeps him away from enjoying himself is an obstacle that needs to be removed. Whatever it may be.  
We pass through a wooden double door at the end of the hallway which falls shut the moment we enter the room. I can make out giant windows to our right and left but dark and heavy curtains are blocking most of the light from illuminating the room. The bit that makes it through is enough for my eyes to pick up on some outlines, the silhouette of a huge bed at the end of the room, a small dresser and a heavy looking chest. That's it, otherwise it's empty. Wondering what Zenos could be planning I risk a look up to him but he's just standing there, staring straight ahead with no sign that would indicate any movement soon.  
“You're the first.”  
I blink, perplexed by his sudden remark, question marks strewn across my face.  
“What?”  
“The first one to enter this house, counting out myself.”  
Finally his eyes focus on me. I'm still not able to identify what's hiding behind them but his body is telling me what his eyes can't. His shoulders are relaxed and so is his whole appearance. As if the weight that he had to shoulder has suddenly vanished. Up until now he's always kept this strong posture; upright, shoulders straight and permanently tense. It calms me a little to see him so at ease. So at peace.  
I'm sure he expected a verbal answer but instead of answering him I take his free hand in mine, stroking the back of his with my thumb. I wouldn't know what to say anyways. Plus I have the feeling I would ruin the moment by saying something. So I keep quiet.  
“Are you tired?”  
My eyes trail off to the giant bed, doing their best to get more of it's details. The messed up double sheets seem to have a red colour but it could just as well be a purple or a brown, just like the countless pillows that are scattered across the mattress. I'm not really tired but the thought of laying there with him makes me nod still. I see him smile from the corner of my eyes just before he carefully pulls me with him. The closer we get the bigger the bed gets. It's big enough to fit three of his size in it, making me seem so tiny compared to it. I can already see myself getting lost beneath the giant blanket, unable to find an end to it, squirming until he would help me out. A quite embarrassing thought. Noticing me losing myself in my own thoughts again Zenos tugs on my arm, demanding every bit of my attention. He's already laying on the bed, leaning on one arm, looking at me expectantly. I really should stop getting lost in my thoughts. Especially if there's someone waiting for me to come into his arms.I can't help but beam at him as I climb onto the bed, kneeling down next to him as we slowly undress each other. As soon as we’re naked he lays back down and I snuggle up against his chest. Letting out a soft sigh Zenos lays his arm around me, planting a kiss on my head before he lays his head down too. There's no way I could have ever seen this coming. Me laying in the same bed as him, wrapped in his arms, tail curled around him. It's almost surreal, realizing it's nothing my mind came up with. It's real and not just a dream. It's real.

It didn't take long for me to fall asleep in his arms. With my body heavy from the journey and my mind even heavier laying beside him felt like my own personal piece of heaven. And yet, probably not even an hour after drifting off, I'm awoken again by a noisy sound ringing inside my head. It takes me a second to realize it's the link pearl I forgot to take out of my ear but when I do I groan, fighting my way up into a sitting position which is harder than I thought with Zenos's arm still laying over me.  
The sun seems to have set by now as there's no light shining through the curtains, making it almost impossible for me to see.  
“Yes?”  
I hear a gasp at the other end of the line, soft and relieved, followed by someone shouting in the background.  
“Alisae, could you calm down for a second please?”  
Of course, the twins. I wonder if they ever stop fighting.  
“Alphinaud?”  
“Ah, yes, my apologies. I had to calm down my sister first. Are you alright?”  
I chuckle quietly, shaking my head, imagining Alphinaud holding off his sister with arms and legs as he tries his best to hear me over her bickering.  
“Of course. What's wrong?”  
Still half asleep and endlessly tired I struggle to speak clearly enough for him to understand me. I know that he'll notice that something's off, he always does. Not as well as his sister but, contrary to her, he doesn't mention it. Something I could kiss him for sometimes.  
“We arrived at the town you were telling us about but couldn't find you. The tavern's owner pointed us into the direction you went but there was no trace of you.”  
Shit, of course. How could I forget? What am I going to say? I can't tell them the truth, that's for sure. Whatever it will be, I know Alisae will flip out anyways so I have to choose the one excuse that agitates her least. For Alphinaud’s sake. And mine, of course.  
“Yeah, sorry Alphi. I went on without you. I picked up on Zenos's trail and couldn't wait for you.”  
Alphinaud goes silent for a moment, giving me a chance to hear Alisae bickering about how unbelievable and irresponsible my actions are in the background. She's not wrong and I can't blame her for ranting. I wouldn't act any different if I were at her place.  
“Oh well, I guess that's reasonable. Can you give us any directions? We will follow you after we've established support lines to this town.”  
He's disappointed. Who could blame him? In the end he expected me to be there. Hoping for me to be safe, to see I’m well and for his sister to see it too. And now I'm lying to him. To all of them. Again.  
“Of course, I went north. Don't ask me how far though, you know I'm bad at estimating.”  
He laughs, finally a sign for me to worry less about them.  
“No worries, I know. We'll find you sooner or later. But please keep in touch, okay?”  
“Promised.”  
The line is cut off by him after that. I take out my link pearl and lay it on the bed a bit further away from us, staring at it for a while until I notice movement next to me.  
“You lied to them.”  
It takes me a while until I turn back to Zenos. Even in this darkness I can see his eyes clear as day, reflecting what little light is coming through the curtains.  
“Yeah. Yeah I did.”  
I still can't believe what I did. I mean, I've lied to them before. And kept more than a few secrets from them. Countless ones, to be honest. But this, this is different. This is a whole other level.  
“It feels so wrong.”  
“But it's necessary.”  
He's right. I've seen what happens when I open up. When I try to explain this. Myself. Aymeric didn't understand. So they probably wont either.  
Zenos's hand cups my face and draws me closer until our lips touch. It's just a fleeting kiss but enough to bring my mind back to him. Still close enough to feel his breath on my lips we stare at each other, both thinking the same. That what we're doing is absolutely insane.  
“How long will you let me stay?”  
I can make out a grin on his face as I absently run my fingers through his long hair, one of those that make me shiver fear.  
“What makes you think I'll ever let you leave?”  
Judging from the way he looks at me I expect to find myself beneath him again in no more than a few seconds. But what happens is quite the opposite. Suddenly I'm on top of him, hands planted on his chest, looking down as I'm trying to regain my balance and my sense of where I am.  
“Oh, well...” I stop, distracted by the faint moonlight gleaming in his eyes. “...maybe the fact that up until now you preferred to be alone and hunt me down in your free time?”  
I try my best to return his cheeky grin but the blood flushing to my cheeks makes it near impossible. Watching me Zenos lets his hands run over my legs, sending jolt after jolt of nervousness through them.  
“Don't worry, I can still chase you around a little if you feel like it.”  
I can't pretend the way he's talking isn't at least worrying me a little bit. My tail, whipping from side to side behind me, clearly shows that my instincts are readying me to run. Which I would if it weren't for those godsdamned eyes.  
“Come now, it was only a jest.”  
His big hands on both sides of my head again he pulls me down, meeting my forehead with his lips. I know that he was joking. He loves teasing me, he always has for that matter. But shutting down the warning bells inside my head will take some time. Which is what I'll need most of from now on. Time. Time to adjust, to get a clear head and to find out what's hiding behind those mesmerizing blue eyes. A task that wont be easy and wont be done in just one day. Especially not this day. So I lay down on Zenos's chest, taking in his scent, the warmth of his body, listening to his heartbeat, feeling his breath tickle on my ears as his hand plays with my hair. This is all I could ever want. Right now I couldn't care less about what's happening outside. All I care for is being with him. And I wont let anyone take that away from me.

The next morning, at least it seems like morning judging from the bright light coming through the curtains, I wake up alone. The bed is empty and so is the rest of the room. My first thought is panic, fearing that he left me. But his smell is still around, still close. Not only the one which sticks to the furniture around me but his personal and distinct one. He's doesn't seem to be far which calms down my racing heart to a point where everything around me finally stops spinning. Sitting on the edge of the bed I spot my linkpearl still laying where I put it. For a few moments the thought of taking it with me crosses my mind. I told him I would stay in touch and by the gods that I will. But not now.  
“I'm sorry.”  
Laying the little pearl on the small dresser I whisper out an apology. I know they can't hear me but even so it makes me feel a little better. There's so much guilt in my heart already and it's getting harder to bear with it each passing day. Running away only makes it worse, I know. And I know that I'll have to face it, or rather them, at some point. But, maybe, not now. Now I have to find my boxers and follow his smell down the hallway to another door to my left. I hear the sound of water hitting the floor and feel a breeze of air coming through beneath the door. Looks like this is the bathroom. I stop, standing in front of the door, staring at the handle for a good while, thinking about my next move and if it would be wise to go through with what the voice in the back of my head is telling me. In the end I pull down the handle and carefully push the door open, sneaking into the bathroom without him noticing me. At first all I can see is the reflection of light in the steam coming from the shower in the corner of the white room. It's so thick that it's almost more of a fog that's hiding everything but his silhouette. Using that as my advantage I sneak closer, soon noticing that the shower is in fact open as I'm suddenly standing in a wet spot. In that one moment of carelessness it's all over. Suddenly I'm standing directly in front of him, his arm tightly wrapped around me to press my little body against his.  
“Good morning my love.”  
My love. These two words echo inside my mind, again and again as if they’re bouncing off the walls inside my head. It's almost impossible to realize that they actually came from him which is all the more reason to blush and hide my face by staring to the side.  
“Morning.” I mutter, embarrassed and overwhelmed, not even caring about the fact that my fur is already soaking wet.  
“Thought you could sneak up on me hmn?”  
Zenos nuzzles the top of my head with his nose and leaves a kiss before he turns my head towards him to greet me with a soft little kiss.  
“Aha, no, never.”  
An obvious lie. Obviously. Still, worth a try.  
“No, of course not.” he laughs, his wet hair falling into his face. “How could I even think of something absurd like that.”  
I grumble a little, turning my face away again as he keeps laughing and making fun of me. But at the same time seeing him like this fills me with such a crazy amount of warmth and happiness like I've never felt before. It's even warmer than the water flowing out of the showerhead that's soaking my hair and dripping down my face. It's coming from the bottom of my heart and it's so much that it's almost choking me. I honestly have never been this happy.  
“Ma'lo?”  
Not noticing how I'm wandering off while watching him laugh I jump as Zenos suddenly grabs my ass and pulls me up, smirking deviously as I yelp out and cling onto him.  
“What are you thinking about?”  
Surrounded by heat I meet his gaze, hazy and confused as to how I'm supposed to function with all these emotions filling up my mind.  
“How happy I am.”  
My words seem to take him off guard, leaving him staring at me a little baffled as I beam at him with all I have. It's probably the first time someone has sad anything even remotely similar to him which is why he doesn't really know what to do or say. And honestly, all of this is still kind of weird. Enemies falling in love, running away together to build their little oasis of happiness and carelessness. But that's exactly why thoughts belonging to the outside world shouldn't bother me now. I'm here, with him, sunlight shining into the foggy white room, turning it into our very own personal slice of heaven. And that's also why I decide to stop caring about anything else and reach for his face, pulling him down carefully to plant a kiss on his cheek. I could have chosen his lips, of course. But I feel like he deserves more than that. Other signs of love, other ways of showing him affection no one has ever given him before. Which, thinking about that possibility, suddenly makes my hear throb.  
“You're a real treasure.”  
It's more a whisper, being drowned by the sound of the water hitting our bodies and the tiles beneath us, but it's full of emotion.  
“Oh shut up.”  
I try to shove his face away as he attempts to plant a big smooch on my cheek but even fighting with all my limbs gets me nowhere which, of course, ends with him winning and covering my whole face in kisses.  
“Zenos, stop!” I try to defend myself but my chuckling gives me away, also robbing me of the strength to fight against his army of smooches.  
“No way, there are still spots left.”  
Giving up I finally wrap my arms around his neck, still chuckling like a little kid as Zenos literally kisses every inch of my face, his hair falling into his, tickling me every time he moves over to the next unkissed spot. Every kiss lingers on my skin, spreading like the waves of a drop of water hitting the surface.  
“Zenos, seriously.” is the only thing I manage to get out before grabbing his face and holding it off, enough for me to find his glistening bright blue eyes.  
“Don't tell me you're not enjoying it. You can't lie to me.”  
I wipe the dumb grin on his face away with a kiss, this time choosing his lips but only to shut him up. Which is also probably the only proper way to make him stop talking.  
“We should get out of the shower before we start to dissolve.”  
Zenos laughs, not maniacally like I've heard before, but soft, like a ray of sunshine that cuts it's way directly into my chest.  
“A shame but probably the right decision.”Giving me one last quick little kiss he finally lets go off me and turns around to turn off the water. It is that moment I notice something I haven’t before. A crucial detail, something that should have caught my eye by now. A long, big line right across his throat. I saw it for nothing more than a second but it was enough to make me feel sick to the stomach. How could I have forgotten? And how could I have missed this? It’s a memory that has burned itself into my brain, one I relived in my dreams again and again. The way he looked at me as Lyse rushed towards him. The final words he spoke to me before he slid his throat with his own sword. The blood flowing down. For the first time covering his armour in something else than someone else’s blood. I remember how I stood there, frozen in shock, staring at his lifeless body on the ground. Everyone else was cheering and singing, cursing his name and celebrating his death. But I was just standing there. Staring into the void, fighting with myself, wondering why his death hurt so much. I couldn’t bear to attend his burial but I was the one who organized everything and picked out a place. I haven’t gone there once, not until I had to check if he was still in there or not. And I couldn’t help but feel relieved as I saw his empty grave. But I don’t think I’ll ever forgive him for what he did.   
“Are you alright?”  
I blink and move my eyes up. He has his head turned around to look at me, analysing every movement of my muscles as my eyes slowly trail back down to the end of the scar on his neck. Noticing what I’m staring at he quickly raises his hand to cover it, staring down at the ground for a moment before looking back at me with a heartbroken smile.   
“I’m sorry, I almost completely forgot about it.”  
I can’t bring myself to say something. All I can do is stare at him, my eyes wet as his image gets exchanged with my memories of that day. It’s so painful that it feels like someone cut out my heart and threw it on the ground, my body slowly getting colder and colder as I bleed out. But before that image manifests completely in front of my eyes Zenos pulls me close and holds my head against his chest.  
“Listen. Can you hear it beating?”  
Staring at the ground I dig my nails into his chest, listening closely to the rhythm of his heart as it drowns out my throbbing head.   
“I still dream of it.”  
Slowly relaxing my hands I do my best to calm myself a little, hoping it would stop the shivering.   
“You have no idea what you did to me that day. I couldn’t sleep for weeks because every time I closed my eyes, I saw you. I saw the blood running down your throat and coming out of your mouth. I saw your damned smile and heard your cursed voice, calling out to me in the darkness.”  
“Seems like even back then you cared for me, huh?”  
Clearly upset I stare up at him, my eyes still watery and red. Almost instantly the grin on his face vanishes and gets replaced with sorrow, still he does his best to smile.  
“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive you.”  
“Good.” he replies, running a thumb over my cheek as he follows it with his eyes. “What I did was unforgivable. Though back then I thought all you wanted was to see me dead. Only in these last moments as we looked at each other from across the field and I saw something inside of you break did I realize.”  
“And yet you did it anyways.”  
“It was already too late.”  
Sighing he strokes over my back and plants a kiss on my head. I close my eyes and lean into his hand, mine slowly laying above his chest to feel his heart again.  
“Your last words haunted me from that day on. And they still do.”  
“Then I will silence them.”  
He is still smiling as I open my eyes again and slowly reach for the scar, softly stroking over it. Maybe now, after realizing it, I am finally able to banish these images.  
“In the end this scar shouldn’t be the one to occupy your thoughts.”  
Knitting my eyebrows I stare back up at him, waiting for him to explain himself. Instead of saying something he grins a little, lets go of me and turns around. Only when he pulls his hair over on his chest I finally know what he’s talking about. There are countless little scars all over his back, in every length and shape. I can't believe I haven't noticed them before, that's how prominent they are. The only thing distinguishing itself from them are the fresh red streaks spanning all the way from his shoulder blades to the base of his back. After a few seconds of staring at them I realize they're probably from my claws and instantly press a hand over the side of my neck where I still feel the pain from his bites. I thought I am the only one who's been marked by the other but it seems I've been horribly wrong about that.  
“You surely have a lot more strength during sex than usual.” he hums, looking back at me with a wide smirk. “It takes ages for them to stop bleeding.”  
“I’m sorry, I-“ stuttering I try to find some way to apologize but before I get anything together Zenos turns back around and places a finger over my mouth.  
“Don’t be. This way I’m not the only one carrying the other on their skin.”   
Grinning again he lets a finger trail over my skin, stroking from one bruise to the next, passing bite marks and the imprint on my neck from where he choked me with his big hands.  
It's really hard to keep myself down on the ground and not back falling around his neck. The only thing keeping me from doing so is the thought that it may be a little too much and we should possibly go about this whole thing a little slower. At least from now on.  
Yes, I know that I sound like a hypocrite.  
“Come on, let's get ourselves dry. I'm sure your stomach is screaming for something to eat.”  
Now thinking about it he's right. I haven't eaten anything since I left Ishgard. I mean, I haven't eaten much in general these past weeks but at least I've never missed a full day. Until now. Even though I wouldn't mind missing out another day. My old trainer once told me as soon as you've gone through your first day without food the following will get easier to live through. I never fully understood what he meant back then but I think I do now. Even if I didn't even notice the first day passing by.  
“You're thinking again.”  
Zenos is standing in front of the window I've spotted as I entered the room with the little exception that it's now open. Within seconds the steam starts to dissipate, clearing my vision and lightening the room even more.  
“Am I?” I blink a little, moving my focus from him to the window and back. “I'm sorry, I didn't notice.”  
“You tend to do it quite often.”  
It sounds like he crossed out some words at the end of the sentence mid-thought which leaves it unfinished as this mountain of a man walks over to a little cupboard and gets out two clean white towels, holding out one to me.  
“You noticed?”  
I take the towel and wrap myself into it. I don't know why but it always takes me a few seconds before I start rubbing myself dry and in these seconds I just stand there, wrapped in a soft big towel, staring into nothingness, waiting for the right moment.  
“Of course I did. It's your greatest weakness, actually the first one I picked up on.”  
Oh. Hearing him saying this in such a blunt tone of voice almost alarms my instincts, again, which are telling me to get the hell out of here as soon as I can. But my curiosity wins, leaving my feet firmly planted on the ground where they are right now.  
“Sounds...horrifying.” I start, quickly muttering out something unintelligible as he shoots me a dangerous look. “I mean, of course, we're actually enemies but it's still scary to realize that there's somebody who is able to pick up on all your weaknesses, I guess.”  
“I never said I know all of them.” Zenos stares at me with cold eyes, making me regret being here with him instantly. “But you're right.”  
Okay, that's getting a little bit too much for me. The way he's acting all of a sudden is throwing my mind back to the time before we travelled to the first and it makes every hair on my body stand up. Was it a bad decision to come here with him? Should I have listened to Aymeric and stayed in Ishgard? Should I have talked to Alisae about it? Maybe get some help? Help that would've gotten me out of this situation where he's staring me down with stone cold eyes, coming closer, slowly, step after step, until he's standing directly in front of me, making me realize again how ridiculously small I am compared to him since I'm barely reaching to his chest.  
“It's adorable though.”  
Still feeling like I’m going to explode any second I stare up at him, totally thrown overboard. He's grinning, again. I swear some day I'll smack that dumb smirk out of his face.  
“Adorable?”  
Now a little ticked off I lower my brows, eyes still locked on his in hope I could stare him down. Which could've never worked in the first place but I like to imagine it could.  
“Absolutely.” he whispers into my ear after bowing down, his hand slowly wrapping around my neck, sending a shiver down my spine.  
“As example, if I touch you here...” he stops, letting his fingers trail up the side of my head until he reaches that spot behind my ears which makes my legs give in. “...or here...” His hand trails back down, stroking over the insides of my arms after pushing the towel off my shoulders while I'm fighting to keep my balance. “...or here.”  
At last he stops just slightly beneath my chest, right over the spot where my ribcage parts. By now I'm already halfway giving in, the only reason I'm still standing on my feet is because I'm clinging onto his body.  
“Oh, and here.”  
Right when I thought it's finally over he keeps going, dragging his nails down my spine to the point where it goes over to my tail. Finally my legs give in, almost sending me to the ground but Zenos catches me in his arms, holding me up above the floor.  
“These are the points you tend to protect no matter what. Though I would have never expected this kind of reaction.”  
Slowly regaining some sense I start struggling in his arms, forcing him to put me back down to the ground.  
“Good gods shut up.”  
I feel my face burning and every part of my body tingling. My fucking gods I hate him so much right now. Why does he have to be like that? I'd really love to deliver that punch I keep talking about. But looking up, realizing how his eyes are shining as the warmth of a heartfelt laugh spreads through his body, I can’t help but go soft. Still a little wobbly on my feet I drop my head against his naked body and start laughing, both from relieve and happiness.  
“I hope you realize how scary you can be.”  
“Oh come on.” I hear him chuckle as his fingers start to play with my hair. “I'm not that scary.”  
I burst out laughing, shaking my head and finally look back up, meeting his wonderful eyes with my own.  
“Says the seven foot seven man to the five foot one.”  
“Okay, point taken.”  
Without a warning Zenos suddenly lifts me up in his arms. Quickly clinging onto him I stare down, then back up to him and his dumb grin.  
“Where are we going?”  
We've already passed through the bathroom door as I ask, both of us still butt naked, leaving behind a wet trail from the water that is dripping down from my still wet tail.. Nervously I stare out of every window we pass, fearing someone could look through it from outside. But all I can see is nature. No streets, no other houses, not even a trace of civilization. It looks like we're in the middle of nowhere.  
“Somewhere nice.”  
That sounds awfully suspicious. And still, I hold on, letting him carry me down the hallway which splits in two, one arm continuing to the right and one to the left. Zenos takes the left and keeps on walking, passing door after door until we reach the end of it. The room we enter is rather small and cozy, one big window filling it with warm golden light. There’s nothing inside besides some bookshelves and two armchairs, an old looking carpet covering the cold stone ground. Zenos lowers me on one of the big chairs, careful not to wet the whole damn thing as my tail keeps wagging like the idiot it is.  
“Tea?”  
Still a bit dazzled by the sudden change of scenery I blink a few times to rip my eyes from my surroundings and focus on him.  
“Sure, why not.”  
A smile graces Zenos's lips as he plants his big hand on my head and rubs it a little before he leaves the room. I wait until he disappears through a door a little further down the hallway until I move, quickly turning to all sides to inspect the everything around me. From what I can make out by reading the titles on the spines of the books with which the shelves are filled with there are countless tomes about history and archaeology. Some of them seem to be novels or dramas. I never expected him to be fond of reading. Well, to be fair I never really expected anything from Zenos regarding intelligence. All I ever thought about him was that he’s nothing but a brutal killing machine. Clearly, I’ve been wrong about a lot of things. Mostly his character. Of course, I’m still not able to see through him and his thoughts and I wont be able to do so for quite some time but from what I’ve experienced so far he’s far from what everyone thinks about him. Not counting in the murder part, of course. If you leave that out he’s so much more than anyone could imagine. He’s caring and loving and he can be so gentle that it still freaks me out. I wonder what he could have been if he hadn’t been raised as the crown prince. If he’d just been a regular citizen, far away from the pressure and the face of war. If he’d been raised like any other young boy. Obviously I don't know how he grew up, but judging from the kind of person he has become his childhood wasn't filled with joy and love. In this world fate has been cruel to him and turned him into who he is today. A tool, used by his father and the Ascians to reap chaos and misery. Maybe that is my chance. My chance to change his fate, meddle with the course of history. I know that I’m able to reach him. In the end I’ve been what he was looking for. Not only someone who could face him in battle, but also someone who could understand him. Someone he could get close to without having to fear anything. I know that it’s risky. And I know that it’s the biggest task I’ve ever taken on. This will be much harder than defeating any of my past enemies. Especially because I not only have to reach him, but mostly the others. They will be the main problem. I know that Zenos actually doesn’t want to have anything to do with this war. He doesn’t care. But that doesn’t change anything about his past crimes and the way he still thinks. It will be a lot of hard work. But I know that I can pull this through.  
“I hope you like mint, it’s my favourite.”  
I jerk upright as Zenos is suddenly standing right next to me. Being so deep in my thoughts I didn’t even notice him entering the room. He noticed that, of course, judging from the smug grin on his face. He doesn’t say anything though, instead he just hands me a cup of wonderfully smelling tea and sits down in the only other chair in this room. I watch him for a while as he takes a sip from his cup, eyes closed, enjoying the warmth of the tea and the sunlight falling on his face. To think about the fact that, not long ago, we still tried to kill each other I tighten the grip around my cup of tea. I wonder how it could have come to this. What fucked up path fate had to walk to make this moment reality. Maybe fate isn't as cruel as I thought. Maybe everything did happen for a reason in order for us all to get better. Him included.  
“You should drink it while it's still hot.”  
I blink a few times and stare down at my drink. Maybe, some day, I'll be able to keep my mind in the here and now. But not today. Today I'll keep slipping into my endless vortex of thoughts, just to amuse the man sitting next to me.  
“Right, sorry.”  
I let out a deep sigh before I sip on my still hot tea, staring out of the big windows directly in front of us. Going from the ceiling to the ground I’m able to see more than I ever thought I would be able to see through a simple window. Directly in front of them are a couple of bushes with dark red flowers, probably lining the whole side of this house. Other than that all I can see is nature. Endless fields of green, a river in the distance and mountains even further behind it. It looks more like a scenery painting than reality, radiating absolute relaxation and peace. Thinking about it, not only this situation but this place seems so unrealistic. Everything’s so calm. There’s so much light flooding these simple rooms. I never really thought about how and where Zenos lives but I never would have thought that he’d choose the middle of nowhere to spend his free time. I always thought he’d reside in the palace, at least when he’s not running around causing havoc. This...is disturbingly untypical. At least for those who don’t know him personally.  
“Why do you live here?”  
Instead of being caught in my own thoughts again I decide to give voice to my them. Surprised Zenos opens his eyes and turns his head to me, his sky blue eyes scanning my face as if they were looking for something.  
“What do you mean?”  
I clear my throat and lower the cup on my lap, my tail nervously twitching behind me as I quickly focus on the tea in my hands.  
“I mean, why do you live on your own? I expected you to stay at the palace or at least in the capital. Not somewhere in the middle of nowhere.”  
For a few minutes there's silence. I stare at the still hot liquid in my cup while Zenos keeps looking at me, probably waiting for me to go on explaining. Then, finally, as he realized there wont be any more words coming from me he turns his head to let his eyes follow the outlines of the landscape outside, leaning forward, his arms on his knees.  
“I'm not fond of being around a lot of people. I used to live in the palace, yes. But no matter where I went, I've always been followed. I never knew privacy. That's why I decided to get a place for my own. One no one knows about. I like the peace. And the quiet.”  
I follow his eyes to the mountains and the clear sky, breathing in the fresh morning air which comes through one of the tilted windows.  
“Oh I know that feeling.” I mutter, thinking back to the times I've lived with the scions, especially back when we re-founded them in Mor Dhona. “Having eyes on you constantly, tracking your whereabouts. People just waiting for you to make a mistake. It wrecks your mind.”  
It sounds so simple and yet his reasoning seems so strange. That picture of this ruthless powerful man who could cut off a man's breath with one look is still lingering in the back of my mind. Never did I think of the possibility that he was nothing more than a prisoner himself. A tool, a weapon to be used whenever the master called. He wasn't free to go where he pleased. Now thinking about it, all of this started after Emperor Varis's death. Another peculiar happening, something that left the Empire in chaos. A state in which it is still in. Which is just another reason to get out of there.  
“At least you have somewhere to flee to.” I continue as I realize Zenos wont continue. “I don't have a house or somewhere I could call home. The only times I ever got some sense of privacy was when I rented myself a room. Other than that I've either slept under the sky or at headquarters.”  
“Then from this day on this will be your home.”  
Almost dropping my cup I jerk around, staring at him with wide eyes. All I can make out in his face is a trace of embarrassment, other than that it's plain honesty. And yet I can't believe what I just heard. I've watched him do and say things I would've never expected before but this? No.  
“I'd give you an opportunity to decide for yourself but you know better than I that I wont.”  
I watch Zenos empty his cup and put it down on a small table hidden behind his chair before he focuses his eyes back on me. I don't fully know what to think of this supposed offer. It sounds like both, a threat and a well-meant proposition. I already know that he wont let me go. I've known that since the moment he asked me to come along. On the other hand I also know that I don't want to go. There's no reason to leave. Not right now, that is. And yet it's something so personal. This place means more to him than I could ever imagine. It's his safe space. And he not only invited me into it but also offers me to share it with him.  
“Are you crying?”  
Not noticing the tear running down my cheek I quickly wipe it away and shake my head, careful not to spill my tea which I still have barely touched.  
“No, I'm okay, I'm just...” I stop for a moment, breathing in and out to collect myself. “...overwhelmed.”  
With a little chuckle Zenos leans his head back into his neck, relaxing into the chair and the sunlight.  
“How so? I wouldn't have brought you here in the first place if I didn't want you to stay.”  
Obviously, I know. And yet I don't fully understand.  
“There's something I wanted to ask you.”  
Raising his head again his eyes meet mine, curiosity written beneath the sunlight that's illuminating them.  
“What's so special about me? I mean, next to the fact that I'm able to put up some sense of fight during our battles.”  
For a moment there is quiet. Only when he stands up and kneels down in front of me my ears begin to pick up sound again, the noise of my blood rushing through my veins quieting down as I face the man in front of me.  
“I have an idea. How hungry are you? Do you think you could hold out a little longer?”  
Finally and utterly confused I push my eyebrows together and tilt my head. I don't quite get what he's asking me or what he's about to do but I nod anyways. With a bright smile Zenos stands back up, pulling me and my tea with him.  
“Great. Finish your cup and then get your clothes. I will pack everything and get you as soon as I'm done.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have nothing to say for myself

My ears perk up as I hear footsteps in the hall. I didn’t bother to close the door to his room as I’m changing, enabling me to see him come around the corner at the end of the hall as I put on my second shoe. It was such a good decision to bring some spare clothes next to my cloak. It’s been ages since I’ve worn anything else besides my regular clothes and my battle armour, so it’s nice to wear some of my other clothes for a change. It’s nothing fancy, just my brown crop-top and my leather hiking pants with my favourite pair of sandals. The only thing bringing a little bit of colour to the outfit is the white and orange bandana I wrap around my head after standing up from the bed. It’s not easy to pull off this look, especially with my hair still being wet but it doesn’t matter at the moment. All I’m able to think about is the man with the basket in his hand in the middle of the hall, smiling brightly as he catches my eyes.  
“Is this outfit new? I’ve never seen it on you before.”  
Blushing a little I shake my head, the end of the bandana tickling on my shoulders.  
“Ah, no. I usually wear it when I go collecting or exploring in the woods in my free time. That’s why you haven’t seen it, probably.”  
“That’s good then. The place where I’m taking you is in the middle of nowhere, so you’re perfectly dressed.”  
Compared to him? Yes. Because as he too just realized he’s still not wearing anything but the white towel he wrapped around his hip before we left the bathroom.  
“Ah yes, I think I too should change.”  
Laughing a little he sets down the basket and walks over to his dresser, going through it as my nose gets distracted by the smell coming from next to my feet. Berries, bread and yoghurt, that’s as much as I can make out. Simplistic but quite delicious and far more than I would have expected. Okay to be fair, I would have never expected that, some day, I’d go picnicking with him. The longer I stay with him the more I begin to realize that, besides his murderous rampaging, he quite cherishes peace and quiet. Something so polar opposite to what I’m used to that it continues to throw me off. And a reason for me to question why he fights in the first place. But that’s a question for another day. Today I’ll hopefully find out why, out of all people, he chose his arch enemy to fall in love with. And maybe even why I did too. I mean, it can’t just be because he’s good looking, right? No one in their right mind would- oh gods he’s changing right in front of me. Which shouldn’t be something that startles me but still, I didn’t expect to get such a clear view of his ass as he bows down to put on his boxers. To my disadvantage I let out something like a little yelp which gets his attention and makes him look over to me. Seeing me staring at him with a face that probably looks like it’s going to explode any second he smirks and adjusts his pants a little.  
“Like what you’re seeing?”  
Quickly turning away I reach over to my bag and act as if I’m looking for something inside of it, rummaging through it with my eyes locked onto my hands.  
“Well, I, no, I just didn’t expect-”  
Not being able to form a full sentence I bite on my lip to shut myself up and stop my pointless search. It’s at that moment, after pulling my eyes away from the insides of my bag, that I realize Zenos isn’t standing in front of his dresser anymore. Instead he’s standing directly behind me, so close that I can feel his warmth on my skin. It bugs me to know that I didn’t notice his movement, again. No, that’s not right. It terrifies me. It makes it so clear that, not matter how strong I get, he’s always better than me. I wonder if I’ll ever catch up with him. Hopefully I’ll never have to.  
“What is it my love?” He hums into my ear, his arms slowly stroking over the sides of my naked belly. “So hungry that you lost the ability to think?”  
I know I should be getting nervous and jittery from the way he’s touching me, but my mind stopped listening after his first sentence. I’m still trying to work with him calling me ”love”. I know it was but a matter of time until one of us would use that term, but I never imagined it would be him who’d use it first. And it makes me feel bad that I haven’t said it back yet, or even something remotely similar.  
As I return from my thoughts I feel his right hand slowly wrapping around my neck, his index finger pushing my chin up until his eyes find mine.  
“We should hurry then, don’t you think? I don’t want you falling unconscious.”  
With a kiss on my left ear he lets go of my neck and leaves me standing there, my blood-pressure coming down from beyond the roof as my mind settles back in my brain. My legs are still a little wobbly, yet I do my best to turn around. Zenos is back by his dresser, picking out a pair of red pants and a black t-shirt with a low neckline. I watch as he pulls his hair out of his shirt and slips into his shoes, thinking again how unrealistic all of this is. I can’t help but remember all the enemies-to-lovers stories I’ve heard on my travels. I never thought something like those could be possible and yet here we are. Although none of these stories included one of the characters dying and coming back from the dead.  
“Alright.”  
Grabbing a pair of keys from the basket he is already holding in his hand he gives me a warm smile and signs me to come with him. We leave the house through the main entrance which is located at the other end of the hallway across from the little room we were in earlier. Outside it’s even brighter than indoors, enough for me to squint my eyes and shield them from the sun with my hand. I really should think about buying a pair of sunglasses, especially now that I’m staying with Zenos who is more likely to be awake during the day than the night. Blinking a few times I adjust my eyes to my bright surroundings, gazing out onto what looks like a front garden. It’s not big and it’s not clearly separated from the rest of nature surrounding us but it’s bright red flowers lining the path leading to the door are just as mesmerizing as the view down the valley. The river I’ve seen from the room on the other end of the house glistens in the distance as it makes it’s way down the mountain, carving itself into the landscape like a silver blade. Not far from here I can see wild Aldgoats grazing in peace climbing across the rocky sides of the mountain. The landscape reminds me a lot of Coerthas though here it is much warmer.  
“Beautiful, isn’t it?”  
Still gazing across the valley I hum in agreement. Only when I see his hand from the corner of my eyes do I turn my head, looking down at the pair of sunglasses he is holding out to me.  
“Since your eyes are so sensitive to light I thought they may come in handy.”  
A little baffled I stare at him as I take the pair out of his hands, putting them on as the Aldgoats bleat in the distance. The glasses are round a little big for me but other than that they do a heck of a job. I already feared my arm would fall off on our trip to wherever he is taking me. I really need to get a pair for my own.  
“Good, now let’s get going. It’s not that far from here. See the trees over there?” He turns to his left and points towards a thick wood that covers almost every spot at the upper end of the valley. “There’s a spot where the spring branches off and gathers to a little pond. That’s our destination.”  
I try my best to focus my eyes on the spot he’s pointing to but it’s no use. The only thing I see is the top of the trees and a few birds flying up and down the mountain. It would have been amazing to be able to see it from up here but it seems to be too deep into the woods. So we make our way down the mountain, taking a path that starts right next to his house. The first half of it is a little challenging as the path is partially covered in rocks or so steep it would be easier to just slide down. Compared to me Zenos makes his way down like he’s never done anything else, which doesn’t surprise me since he lives here and probably took this path a dozen times. I do my best to watch my footing and follow where he’s going and still he has to help me get down from the rocks or the slippery parts. Luckily neither of us mind, especially me when I’m being effortlessly lifted from my feet and into his strong arms. At one point Zenos takes my hand and doesn’t let go, keeping me as close as possible for the rest of the journey. Even when we reach the forest and it’s mostly even he keeps my hand, softly squeezing it from time to time. The smell changes in the woods; from the clear and fresh air to a damper and heavier atmosphere, the scent of the lush greens and the songs of the birds filling the space around us. Not long after we entered the woods I catch up on the smell of water, even hearing the croaking of the frogs coming from where we are heading to. By now I’m walking right next to Zenos, following the smell and the sounds until we see something gleam between the trees.  
As we get closer the little light expands into a body of water, reflecting what little light is breaking through the treetops. At least that’s what I thought it was. For as closer as we get the more I start to realize that the reflections are moving too rapidly to be emanated from the water. They’re more like little lights dancing above the surface and between the grass surrounding the pond. For a moment they remind me of fireflies but they’re too big and it’s the wrong time of day.  
“They're called Iceflies.”  
Still staring at the countless glistening particles prancing through the air above the water I take a few steps closer to the shore. The tall grass lining parts of it is gleaming from the refraction of light, as if someone had hung some fairy lights around it, a sight that seemed more like something from another world. Something that doesn't belong here.  
“It's their mating season. The males collect droplets of water and freeze them to the culms in various shapes and sizes to impress the females. The brighter it shines the more females it attracts.”  
I wish I could get closer to get a better look at the individual designs but, thanks to growing up in nature, I know better. I'd only disturb them if I'd get closer or worse, maybe even destroy one of their so carefully made pieces of art. So I stay at the shore, doing my best to adjust my eyes to the reflection of light and make out some of the patterns. Zenos walks up behind me, his hand stroking through the hair on the back of my head as he stops right next to me, watching the iceflies hovering in the air with me.  
“Iceflies usually live solitary lives, they gather only during mating season. In order to find each other they create these sparkling nets which can be seen from miles away. Every year they return to the same spot of water they hatched at to find a mate and lay their eggs directly beneath the icy nets which protects them from predators. It's uniquely beautiful.”  
“That it is.”  
I fix my eyes on a pair of iceflies dancing around each other directly above the water’s surface. Sunlight reflects in their wings, making them gleam in every colour as they circle around each other. Their hypnotizing movements take my mind somewhere else, to a place where there is no pain and no fear. A place of purity and beauty. A place none of us could ever dare to reach, no matter how hard we'll try.  
“You and I are just like them.”  
Zenos's voice reaches out to me and pulls me back, tearing my eyes off the iceflies and back to him. His are still attached to the nets of ice between the grass all around the pond.  
“Forever intertwined in a dance, destined to keep searching and following even the tiniest gleam of light to eventually find each other. Returning, again and again to create something unique and incredible.”  
If someone would have told me a year ago that I would hear words of poetry about love coming out of Zenos's mouth I would have sent them straight to an insane asylum. And today I’d have to do that for myself, if I didn’t know better that is.  
“So...” I begin, letting my mind trail from him back to the nets of ice around the pond.”…you think we are fated to be together?”  
“How else would you explain it?” Zenos slowly lets himself drop to the ground, crossing his legs as he leans back on one of his arms. “It took a long time for me to realize that I didn’t face you because I wanted to kill you. And neither because our fights were challenging. It was because, every time I saw your face, I felt complete. I felt like I found something I lost a long time ago, like I was home.”  
Realizing I’m still standing I sit down next to him, carefully listening to every word that leaves his mouth. I didn’t know what I expected to hear when I asked him earlier, but it certainly wasn’t something so deep and emotional like this. Every minute I spend together with him reveals something new, something unexpected. A part of his personality nobody would have expected to exist. Not even me.  
Not knowing what to say I reach for his free hand and take it in mine, looking down at it as I stroke over it with my thumb, careful not to touch it with my claw. It is still unbelievable how big his hands are compared to mine. They’re almost double the size and twice as wide, nearly big enough to completely enwrap my tiny hand. I could stare at it for hours, tracing every line like an endless network of rivers, branching off and cutting through each other, trying to find some pattern in them. But it slides out of my hand and instead gets placed on the side of my head just below my jaw before Zenos plants a soft little kiss on my forehead.  
“And just like you I couldn’t get your image out of my head.”  
Finally I return his gaze, noticing how his eyes scan every last bit of my face like I did just a moment ago with his hand. There are a thousand things in my head I want to tell him and even more questions following after, yet I can’t get any of them out. So instead I reach up for him, pulling myself up as he leans down to meet his lips, my other hand laid on his warm chest as we stay like this for a few seconds. When I open my eyes again he pulls me on his lap, his hands holding my hip in place as his lips make their way down my neck and over my naked shoulders. A shiver runs down my spine and makes my heart skip a beat (or two), my head dropping against his as his hands start to trace over my sides.  
“Zenos.” I begin with a shivering voice, my hands buried into the fabric of his shirt while he continues to cover my skin in kisses. “I love you.”  
It took every bit of confidence and strength I had to get these three simple words out and I couldn’t help but regret them immediately. I feel my heart throb as Zenos stops moving and raises his head to look me directly into the eyes. He looks baffled, if not confused and stares at me for a solid minute before suddenly pressing me tightly against his chest. I gasp for air as his arms squeeze my fragile body, still I wrap my arms around him and lay my head against his chest.  
“You can’t possibly imagine what these words mean to me.”  
I feel his chest vibrate as he speaks, a soft rumbling that reminds me of the feeling of a purr going through my own body. It relaxes me just as much and, before I know it, I’ve closed my eyes and started to purr as my tail wrapped around his hip. I feel his head leaning against mine and that is when I realize that I haven’t felt this safe in years. We could sit in the middle of a battlefield, explosions and steel hitting against each other around us and still, it would change nothing. Nothing could harm me here in his arms, no swords, no bullets, no spells. It feels so good to, for once, be the one behind the shield instead of in front of it.  
“I’ve never heard you purr before.”  
“Probably because we do so only when we feel completely safe.”  
Chuckling he runs a hand through my hair. I can’t begin to put into words how happy I am, how happy he makes me. When I’m around him I’m able to let go. To be myself and nothing else, without any pressure and fear. I wish we could stay like this forever, holding each other for all eternity. But there’s no way that’d be possible.  
“So.” he begins, pushing my head up with one of his hands. “Do you want to have a little fun before or after breakfast?”  
It takes me a few moments to realize what he means but when I do I feel my heart rapidly pumping my blood to my cheeks.  
“Zenos, we can’t, not out here.”  
Watching my flustered face as I squirm a little in his lap he laughs, leaning down to catch one of my ears between his teeth. I yelp out, quickly pressing my head against his chest to hide.  
“Why not? Nobody lives in this region besides me.”  
Grinning he spreads kisses over the ear he just bit, nibbling on it as my tail begins to nervously swing back and forth.  
“And besides, it is mating season after all.”  
Still not quite sure if this is a good idea I wrap my tail around my leg and stare at the ground next to us, trying my best to find some excuse that would get me out of this situation. But my mind isn’t coming up with anything. On the contrary, the more I think about it the more my body heats up.  
“Before.” I mutter out, shivering a little, knowing fully well that within the next few minutes my brain will melt into mush.  
“Good.”  
With a smirk Zenos lifts me down from his lap and sits me down in front of him, undoing is pants as he chains me down with his eyes.  
“How about we try something different today?”  
I swallow, watching him slowly pushing down his pants and boxers until his dick is out in the open. He’s already half hard and continues to swell with every second I have my eyes on it. Before leaning back on both of his arms he signs me to come closer. Although reluctantly I follow his will, holding my long silver hair out of my face as I bow down and run my tongue from the tip to the base. A low hum catches the attention of my ears, signalling me that whatever I am doing here seems to be right. I will have to rely heavily on his reactions because, as he may not realize, I’ve never done this before. Which sounds strange, I know. But he’s the first to have ever shown interest in letting me do some of the work.  
Doing my best to find a comfortable position I run my tongue along the downside of his dick as I slowly let it slide into my mouth. It’s far bigger than I thought, at least for me. Gods, this is harder than I thought. People have done this so effortlessly for me in the past that I thought it wouldn’t be a big deal. But this is downright difficult, especially with my fangs. His size makes it increasingly difficult too, of course. But that’s no excuse for me to back down. Especially not since he’s grown to his full length which can’t mean anything else than that he’s enjoying this.  
Still, all I manage to get in my mouth his half his size which isn’t even close to what I would like to. I do my best to push in more but every time he hits the back of my throat I feel my gag reflex acting up, forcing me to take in less and instead focus on rubbing my tongue around him. As soon as I’ve grown comfortable with the feeling I start to move my head, slowly letting his dick slide in and out as my own starts to heat up as well.  
“Looks like you’re enjoying yourself.”  
His voice breaks my concentration, making me accidentally dig one of my fangs into his flesh is he slides in. What I expect is a growl or an angry remark but instead I hear him moan out in surprise, followed by a hand grabbing my hair and pushing me further down on his dick. I gag as he hits the back of my mouth but he doesn’t seem to mind. Instead he begins to move my head on his own, faster and rougher, my sharp teeth digging into him as he goes. I helplessly cling onto his legs, doing my best to breathe through my nose as he fucks my mouth, pushing in deeper and deeper until he penetrates my throat. All I can do is endure. At least that’s what I’d like to think, but my body is speaking another language as I notice by the feeling of precum dripping down my thighs. Zenos seems to have noticed too. Having my eyes closed I can only feel him move, going back into an upright position all while continuing to pump my mouth on his dick. Suddenly I feel something wet slide over my butt cheeks as my pants get forcibly pushed down, followed by it digging itself into my ass, stretching me out and pushing in as far as possible, hitting the spot he knows so well. Weird and distorted moans escape between the thrusts even though my throat is filled completely with his dick. My claws are already digging themselves deep into his legs but Zenos doesn’t care. Instead he moans out in pleasure with every movement, pushing me further and further as he keeps adding fingers to stretch me even wider. Strangely enough I feel myself getting closer to the edge with every second, something I would feel so ashamed about if I were able to think. Luckily I can’t, allowing me to concentrate completely on the pleasure until my body can’t take it anymore. I do my best to moan and not suffocate at the same time as I come, all while Zenos keeps violently thrusting his dick down my throat. Soon enough I feel him swell up too, pulsating in my mouth just before a warm liquid flows down the back of my throat. It takes a few seconds until he pulls out, leaving me coughing and grasping for air. I fall back on my ass, barely holding my own body weight with my shivering arms. Zenos on the other hand seems to be even more energetic than before, already standing again and fixing his pants.  
“How was your first course?”  
I grumble quietly, still fighting down the cum that’s sticking at the back of my throat. Even so, saying that I didn’t like it would be a lie. So I stay silent and squeamishly look up to him, my face still bright red. Seeing this Zenos laughs and pulls me up against his chest, taking in my scent as he buries his nose in my hair.  
“Good. Then let’s give you something to eat.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good day fellow trash beings!  
> A little update for ya'll~  
> This story is on hold for the time being.  
> Reason for that is my original story which will hopefully one day become a full book series.  
> I've been working on it for some years now, going back and forth, rewriting again and again until I finally found the base line and the direction for my story.  
> This means I will concentrate on writing on that story for now, I will however whenever I get some ideas continue this work!  
> You can find my soon to be book series on my profile!
> 
> Love you all <3
> 
> P.S.: Comments are highly appreciated, especially since I still don't have any beta readers! So don't be shy to point out some mistakes or plot holes <3


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